I'm captivated by you baby, like a fireworks show

I watched it burn

2012-02-21T18:40:00.008+08:00

只剩下眼泪还骗不过自己

Ever felt like this? Ever did all those things above?

"But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you play, you would always win, always win"
--
Just had the worst day of the week. 3tests in one row, and all need to memorise, 70chinese words, Geog essay and Chemistry. The papers were easy, im confident of passing yet my expectations are A(s) and nothing else. But it seems like its hard already for sci. I lost 7 freaking marks. Whats worse was we have to report to school at 6.35am for Girlguides.
How shag. I had the worst time management and I slept at 10-12, 12-2 study and 2-4 sleep and 4-6 study and off to school. Super screwed. I wanted to continue sleep at 4 until Jiamin spammed me.

she cute. LOL.

I just want A in humanities, Chinese and science fr nw~ but looking at it.. B3 is all im asking for. Nevermind, move on with life, focus on other subjects.
I really regret knowing you too. Regret how much good words to put for you. EW EW EW!!!
Mean bitchhh x4283048203948. New list of people in "Mean" song.
Anyway at least I love my fellow friends in ZSS and i can barely remember if i have any people that im not in good terms with anymore. Everyday I wanna be the best, be a better person. Oh plus ccks too. At least they dont tried to turn their back on me~
Oh Im watching the "995" in chn 8 drama. Pierre so hotttttt!!! I decided I wanna be a doctor/paramedics when i grow up! IM S.E.R.I.O.U.S. But first i must score my O's !
--
Sometimes I would question myself on your existence. Sometimes its so vivid yet sometimes its blur. We had lost our mutual feeling because I used to feel you but now Im all alone. Its all said and clear. Its all I have to bear.

i raped the replaying button.
Taylor please teach me guitar! omfg seriously. How cute can they be!? The duet was awesome.

Teardrops on my guitar

2012-02-20T19:08:00.001+08:00

I like him but he likes her and she likes him(?) but they are not together.
I can only hear the mini stories he tell me about her but my heart didn't break.
Infactuation ? Hmm

Blessed.

2012-02-16T21:48:00.042+08:00

Stitch cake!

Getting worst or getting better, I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm lost, or maybe I am used to the person who I'm becoming.
Still, I would still get affected easily by people around me. I would get demoralized over the slightest comments. Maybe Im paranoid, or maybe im just fucked up. Can you just imagine how the way people look at you? And you really wanna read their mind on what they are thinking about you? Because all i get is "she's a freak" "she's a depression kid" "She's dangerous" "Dont offend her before she cries and whole drama starts"
Its after all the events that happened which made people look at you differently. How they treated you werent like the past.
Either ways, I still have girlfriends who are there for me. I tried blending in how I am in different types of people.

His name is "Prince Charming" Dad gave me the $ to buy it :)

From lovely Jiamin! Thanks for the highwaist shorts! :)

From my cutie Jocelin!! hehe

From a very beautiful strong lady, Mayfang.

From my xuan xuan~ Yixuan :D

From Vincent!

From my annoying bro. Honestly, I didnt expect him to give a gift. He claim its because he wanna eat my cake so he gave a present to bribe me. FAKE! LOL.

From boonchuan.

From the netballers! Thanks Josica and Jacelene for the cup, Amanda for the lunchbox and sticky memo pad and Hidayah and Chloe for the Self dispensing memo holder and the folder!! K its so stichy! hehe

From ke ai Yongyi and pretty xinrui. :) Thanks for the flora dress~

From sweetie Yunjie! :)
Pictures taken at Scape that day.

Polaroids taken!!

Thanks for all the stitch gifts and stitch cards and lovely notes etc!!! Really touched, and some of the cards i read till really wanna cry. HAHA. Love my friends a lot . xoxo Love my birthday this year.

If only you notice me.

2012-02-14T20:55:00.019+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day.

Was playing guitar after school slacking with Batrisyia.
Its fun :) We survived today . Ok i know i look fucking weird or like so awkward in the video.
And my eyes are LIKE A SMALL. i dont know why !! maybe im tired or wtv but we just sang it for fun la ok! my voice is really cmi unlike the one beside me!

6ixTeen, and fifteen is over.

2012-02-13T18:25:00.009+08:00

It was a lovely day yesterday. Im finally 16, and im eligible to watch NC 16 movie!! hehe
Celebrate my birthday with my girls although there was SS test and POA the next day. Screwed up my SS for the conclusions but hope i could pass, and seriously just fuck my POA skills. I dont know why, I JUST CANT UNDERSTAND POA. -_-
Ok so we went to town, as we cant find other places to go?
Anyway, my lovely girls gave me an epic surprise at watson. LOL. Jiamin said she wanted to go toilet and Jocelin was being playful and trying the makeups on me and then JM came back with a cake and they started signing birthday song so loudly. My initial reaction was shock and called them to "OMG SHHH!" but ya. Home and spammed polaroid with family.
Thanks beautifuls for making the day special for me. I bet you guys tried your best to make it awesome since with the lack of people and.. some other stuff ..
Oh and thanks for the wishes, be it facebook, twitter, SMS. Sorry for spamming the timeline.
Will update soon with the present i've received.
Quite a number of presents I received from the most unexpected people and the wishes. Didnt really thought I would deserve all these. Funny isnt it, the people you were close with doesnt really wish but instead these sunshines came. (:
And cards with the same phrases of moving on. Love you beautifuls.

Dont know if im disappointed that i didnt receive it or maybe i just didnt exist or you just didnt know it was my birthday and even if you do know you just didnt wanna see me or know me. But I guess its better this way. Cause you're with her and I got to move on and be who I am, ~~I just dont belong here, i hope you'll understand,~~ we might find a place in this world someday, but at least for now, i gotta go my own way. Anyway thats the way, continue each other dont exist, continue to think you're already dead. Continue to hate each other. Yes, thats my route.

I was only me when I'm with you.

2012-02-10T00:08:00.003+08:00

Today is just gonna be another day with a date.

To you, beautiful(s). You know who you are.

They said, Trust is us.

2012-02-04T19:14:00.008+08:00

Miss lee : "You made it past another week"
"Hang in there, its not over yet" "Are you feeling better?" "Smile Siewhui, things will get better"
--
"Siewhui is a very strong girl" "Dont give up!" "We are young, We will heal"
Oh hi there. This week was horrible and its that start of February. It used to be my favourite month, especially for Aquarius yar! ;)
I have just told my whole life story in fb to this beautiful girl.. finally there is someone who is understanding and willing to listen because she wants to and she cares, not because she's curious. Hope we could save each other. "It takes a cutter to understand another cutter" Its an addiction not a choice.
Humans are so scary. They can just turned their back on you or some would learn to take advantage of you after learning your weakness and fears. And to the people who you tried to be good enough for, trying so hard and they just love to hurt you. And those mean bitches who thinks they can take over you. Seriously people make me want to die. Its enough to drive you to suicide.

Why dont you guys just bring a pistol now. -.-

People just dont understand the sentence : "i hate myself and i want to die"
They can never understand how every morning you look yourself in the mirror and felt disgusted that you can really just punch the whole mirror and break. Feeling ugly etc.
"Imagine, sitting in a room by yourself, with the person you hate the most. They hate you too. They say all sorts of horrible things to you, just to put you down. You're disgusting, you're ugly, you're fat, you're worthless, nobody loves you......
Imagine, you'll never escape that person, that person is you. The room is your mind, you'll always be together. You will never escape, no matter how much you hate each other. Welcome to my life."
"Nowadays its hard to find a good person. Its hard to find a person to talk to, someone who will just listen and not judge you. Someone who will take you as you are"

being with a sea of people yet felt alone. #worstfeeling

Besides, i dont understand why people like to blow things up just to bring that person down. You know, by doing this you are really cruel and lame, i would say.
So that day, screaming in the toilet and crying, i wanna thank people who were truly concerned. I shall try to heed the counselor's advice of the buddah story. I hope it would work for the time being. Im tired man, really. Tired of seeing the other side of people who i thought they were. Tired of misunderstandings. Tired of stupid major problems and not letting me to have a peace of mind. I wanted to give up.

Especially Miss lee and Batrisyia.. and being really crazy and retarded in front of yongyi and yixuan and not get judged because they let me be a kid. They are gems. xoxo
Because there are people who are tired watching you cry and give up on you but Miss lee and Batrisyia, they just didnt. And fr Yixuan and Yongyi, being with them, i didnt really feel like breaking down then.

Everyday I tumblr. Fianlly a society where humans wont get judged with those people who never experience before and thinks you're just getting attention. Seriously, if I did to you what you did to me, or you experience my side, you would break.

I really hate it how i trust you people and you guys just spread it. Especially YOU! Forever man. You didnt even experience any of me plus you are in this clique. I cannot take it anymore. Who were the ones who told me to trust!? Who were the ones to tell me to trust you guys as a clique. Those who say they wanna help. And so i trust the whole clique. But then YOU, just tell it. Gossiping all of my weakness , to those haters. I dont mind the haters but im more of disappointed in you. Tell me man, I tried so hard to be good but what you want, seriously.
People have been calling me to leave, still i dont because i still cherish how we used to be and believe that one day we will be together again. I dont know man.

多一个朋友好过多一个敌人. To her, i really wanna clear the misunderstandings and be like the past, being shopping partners. Thanks for the concern thou.
--
1 more week. Wonder who would bother. Hah.
Amaths test tmrw . I MUST PASS.

Looking back on better days.

2012-02-01T13:14:00.002+08:00

Long walks at canal and having heart-to-heart talk sessions with the people I love. Yea I miss that.
--
仿佛有一天，憋不住，控制不住，失去控制，放弃了，让魔鬼赢，不想再挣扎，不想再和自己争斗，把自己的诱惑变成个解脱的方法。
这样的想，会不会好一点。我很累，真的很累。每一次都想要有那份勇气跳但就是找不到。
我就是这种人，很烂的人。

放过我吧。放了我把。我只想飞。我想睡，就永远不要醒。
maybe because i never really saw that side of you, so now i pay the price.
"Funny when you're dead, how people start listening."

Pretty Little Liars.

2012-01-30T19:06:00.003+08:00

Got a secret, can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket, taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you, won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead,

Pretty Face. Ugly Soul

2012-01-28T20:07:00.022+08:00

I(finally) decided to stop procrastinating and put up a few selected photos taken over the cny.
Hope you all got lots of angpao ya!!!!!
Headed to Mum's side of relatives.

Love the food there. These prawns are the most delicious dishes ever. Every year, no fail there will be prawns! ^^ In fact its cousins competition time! Its expensive since its ordered from a restaurant but we got it discount or something since my uncle is the chef there. Teehee :B
Oh then we gambled and played a little of mahjong. My first round and i won 五龙. What a nice dragon year! haha! Headed to dad's side after wards.

This is my cutie cousin. Isnt he cute!?!??! He's the only whose in my dad's side who would take pictures with us!

Look how happy he is!!! HAHAHA. Kids are so cutez.

My beautiful mother.

Sister and I. Relatives were all saying we are wearing like in Roman times. HAHA. Well i think my sis look more like one cause i tied for her waterfall braids at the back while my boots destroyed the whole roman look. We tried really hard to be very polite and feminine that day. Obviously my sister did better than me. I will work harder okay! LOL.

I seriously wanna tie like this to school and not being judge -.-

Second day! went to other relatives house to get more angpao and eat more awesome food.

Flora for the day. Last minute decisions.

my brother's grumpy face with cutie behind!!

Ok hope you all enjoyed your CNY!
I want to visit more house! I wanna play mahjong!! Tsk. Ok, ending my post with my cousin. He got swag yo! haha!

Am i really at fault? Ok im a fucked up. Ya that's me, im a bitch. Ugly. Whatever.
Nobody understands. You guys not at fault. I am. My fault. I should give in. I should accept fact etc. You guys wont understand. So stop calling me to trust you guys.
You know what. All these, i have to handle my own. Ya imma fucked up.
I was just trying to protect myself. No excuses. Not escaping reality, nothing. I have accepted long ago. I just needed time and space to breathe.
I am seriously highly insecure, of everything. You know what? Pretty girls gets all the advantages. Books & quotes told us that what matters is yourself, and inner beauty. -.-No. It dont.
You guys won't put yourselves in our/my shoes. You guys tink as a whole, not individually -.-
I didnt bother to explain anymore either. Because you know in the end whose the fucked up one and at fault? Me.
I deserve to be let people and life fuck me up whereby i give in all the time. whereby i should answer the fucking call.
Whereby when im ready to be friend, that bitch is suppose to hate me. Then when i finally hate, that bitch wanna be friend with me and im SUPPOSED to be friend. WHAT!? YOU THINK IM A DOLL?! YOU THINK IT WAS EASY FOR ME TO HATE YOU!? WHY MUST YOU FUCK ME UP WITH YOUR INDECISIVENESS. -.- NOW BECOME IM THE ONE WHO CANT ACCEPT REALITY!?
omg, if you are me, you are being hurt like a million times and then give in EVERY.SINGLE.TIME then that person push you all the way down. When you finally get back up, that person push you again. and when you give up and dont care about that person, you are suppose to forgive that person. what the shit. i dont want to take the risk ok -.-
Its not that i cannot face it, its when every single time you look at this person, all the shit comes back, you felt ashamed. Ashamed of giving it all and everything but all comes down to nothing. Everything you built up, the moving on, forgetting, is gone to waste.
You know what? Best friends dont prevent you from moving on -.- Best friends RESPECTS your decision. Best friends understand you. Apparently, this is not the case for now. I'm a fucked up. Every decision I made is also wrong.
Have you ever look in the mirror and felt disgusted? Have you ever replay death scenes? Have you ever started DRAWING death scenes? Have you ever look at death pictures and just love it? You feel fat when everyone said you arent? You feel ugly in every single way.
Yea, people would think im crazy.
I started building walls around myself. I can be in a sea of people yet felt alone.
You know how i wish i can fucking get out of high school now and go to a new school, new life, new strangers? Whereby they dont know my past? And I can just remove everybody in my life now?
I can count many so called i considered as friends but when i really said someone to rely on, i only counted one which is miss lee. But is that friend? Yea she's just a teacher whom i met. If it wasnt her, i guess i would really give up by now.
You know how fucked up is it whereby you reached home from school, you have to quarrel with your sibling? No, not those minor quarrel, its the ones that throw dictionaries to your head, taking chopper etc? why? because of those motherfucking hurtful words. "YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NO WONDER "HE" LEAVES YOU. YOU ARE UGLY HAHAHAHA" and then all the memories flash back. You compared your past and now, and look just how pathetic can you get. After the fight, you ran into the room and scream and cry. How did things end up this way? And then there's this bitch who is so paranoid that would insult your looks and everything. Yah her -.- I wasnt even talking anything bad about her -.- Confirm go tell her boyfriend then whose fault again? ME.
Lol, actually when "you" talk behind my back when i treated you as a good friend, i forgave you soon after but you didnt stop. God wasted the looks on you man. -.- You know how is it to give up your recess because you've got no friends? you just didnt wanna get judged? The ones whom you've been eating with, wont bother to ask you if you're going recess or not and just go by their own? NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU, SIEWHUI . NOBODY. You see all your friends with beautiful pictures of their siblings and themselves, filled with friends and love. You? you got nothing. All was gone. Even if you have, they cant be by your side. In school, you're just alone. You dont feel normal. And laughing as hard as you can is actually 10x the screaming and crying you wanna do inside? Love? hah love. Love is shit. SIEWHUI, Your life is pathetic. HAHAHAHHAHA. YOUR FRIENDS ARE ONLY THOSE IN YOUR HEAD. YOUR FRIENDS ARE RAZOR BLADES. UNDERSTAND!? YOU CAN ONLY CRY ALONE. NOBODY CAN SEE YOU CRY. BECAUSE IF YOU CRY MEANS YOU FUCK UP. YOU ARE UGLY. YOUR NOSE IS LIKE SQUIDWARD. YOUR BODY IS DISGUSTING. YOUR FACE IS LIKE SHIT. UGLY. HA-HA-HA.

Baby you light up my world, like nobody else.

2012-01-26T17:32:00.016+08:00

Hi i want him for my birthday present.

There are some people who likes to fuck your life when you're doing your best or doing the way they wanted then they just wanna bring you down. lol.

GPOY. True this.

2012-01-22T20:34:00.001+08:00

Someone sent me this. Appreciate it a lot but here i am, wanna pass this to all the other broken girls out there :) that guy who give up is not worth it.

"Hi there. This is for you broken heart. Empty, pain, numb and whatsoever. You don't want to laugh because it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry because you know it will make you feel worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, you know soon your life is going to feel like falling apart too. You don't think it'll ever end, but no matter what this person does to you, you find it impossible to stop loving them. Then everyone wonders why they have hurt you so much yet you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know too, you just do. And the people who hurts you the most are usually the people you loved the most. And after that, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but inside you know you know you're going into a denial. And after a few more weeks you are back to where you were an empty soul and teary eyes. You know you still love them, just that you stopped showing it, but you can't help but to show it again. You constantly remind yourself not to care, but no. It doesn't work this way. You just lose your mind whenever you see him. And no one will understand how you feel, or how deep the hurt is because it has never happened to them. And even if it does, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday, so now you know you're basically alone with this. You start to break down, to the point that you don't care who sees it. Because you have spent so many nights lying awake, wishing for him to come back, fighting the fear of rejections and pain, and crying yourself to sleep.and in the midst of all this tears, you know it's not helping any, and it's never gonna bring anything back, even of you even had them in the first place. And after a million tears that you have cried, you pull yourself back together and keep going.your throat clench and your eyes burn with the tears as you try to hold back. Everyone says " it's gonna be okay.' but you know it won't. And that's the truth, it won't. And when you look back on all the hurt you had from this,you realized that people are horrible.you still hurt but you've learned to hide it so people thinks that you're okay, and they won't look and treat you differently. So everytime you see this person, you know you still love them and have a slight tingle in your heart yearning them to love you back, screaming out but somehow they don't hear it. Then you sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all this.

To know that he's never going to love you back, and he has another girl in his mind. Sucks. You tried your best to be good enough, to make him notice you, but from time to time, it has proven that this will never ever happen. You always think if a particular thing would ever remind him of the relationship. But no, he doesnt care. He doesn't even regard you as a schoolmate. Like nothing. Walking pass each other like you never meant a thing. You realized that you're always looking at him, but he had never even glance at you.

You start to feel nothing. Worthless. Like the blood flowing inside you is so uncomfortable. How can you possibly feel so broken and your heart is still beating? No. It feels so wrong. Thinking that if you still love him he might realize he needs you and come back, but at night you just hate yourself for being so foolish. You worry about every single thing about him, even though it doesn't concerns you.

Everyone is trying to put on a front to protect ourselves from pain and rejection. Was trying to block all out, to convince others that you're totally better now and you don't hurt anymore so that they won't treat you in a different way. So the more we try to hide, the pain inside starts to deepen. It aches, we got so tired of pretending, and with the hurt, we start to break down. And we start to build walls all over again.
Building walls hurts, everything hurts, even breathing.
We became so insecure, we keep all our problems to ourselves, close to our heart. Opening up and talking to others about it use to be a way to feel better, but now it's not even a choice. Fear of being annoyance and knowing that others are troubled too, we keep it even closer, locking ourselves, cutting off connections all around people and just want to be alone with you and your problems. "

I can do better than this.

2012-01-21T22:08:00.011+08:00

Hi. Came back from town at cineleisure and scape today!
Went with sister thou since others are busy. It's a fruitful trip because we bought things that were so damn cheap and was satisfied with it. Now we're having trouble on what dresses to wear since we have been shopping since Dec. Oh i also bought my neon pink baggu! I used it immediately cause i really cannot stand my brown "vintage" bag anymore! the buckle is spoilt so i cant close it properly. Its not safe to put my wallet inside and i have to hold tgt with some plastics bags etc. Troublesome. I should really stop going shopping and shop my money like a free flow. Im gonna mug after CNY! ^ ^ (hopefully)

saw double rainbow. My quality isnt as great as some which i saw in tditter but i still managed to saw it alright. Ok went KFC to finally have a decent meal on Thurs. Has been ages since i last ate it. Slacked damn long with Pearlyn, yongyue and cheewei after that. I think the KFC people were wondering when will we ever leave. HAHA. We started fooling ourselves camwhoring after that. :)

WHY MY HAIR SO SHORT WHEN TIED UP. TELL ME WHY!?!? UGHH.

Ok the criminal effect is funny. idk why but i just find it funny ok lol.

My fringe is kinda long alr. Idk whether to cut because i wanna leave it long to tie my fringe with braids to school. Yes, can see my forehead. Like this

Yah whatever la. I big forehead etc, like i want to be born this way like that. So yah since sec 4 anw.. should pin up?:/ Really inspired with those angmoh who tie their fringe braided . like a chio.

Its like Im finally awake, and you're just a beautiful mistake.

2012-01-20T17:35:00.010+08:00

Ni Hao, Da jia hao (:
New Year celebrations today! Although the standard has dropped ever since the seniors left but overall the dance club is still great afterall. So anyway chinese new year is 2 days away!! Although this year the mood not really there but still im looking forward for abalone and much more food, not forgetting the money Im gonna collect and maybe use some of the $ to buy my contact lens!! Ok my jiao bin again. LOL.

School is forever boring and tiring, i've been feeling very weak this week, even flipping a page on the book was making a hell out of me. Ok, exaggerating but was really weak right! can you imagine?! but still im coping with Amaths and maybe POA? idk la but seriously my understanding for amaths is so much faster and better than emath. i dont get the concept or logic i mean what for doing probability or vectors!? just take that stupid ball for probability la! LOL.
I have been doing my amaths hw regularly cause i feel a sense of accomplishment everytime i understand the question or get it right ^^ and when haniff saboed me today-_- to present my answers i got so tensed up!! i kept swallowing my saliva, but i actually did that question correct with my own effort.
Once again, meet my boyfriend, Niall Horan. He's the best thing happened in my life. HAHAHA.

Hehe gonna draw him a lot then paste my whole room. OK WHEN I HAVE THE TIME HAHA.

"Thank you for showing me who you are underneath. Thank you I don't need another heartless misery. You think I'm doing this to make you jealous and I know that you hate to hear this but this is not about you anymore"
--
Hi my little monster friend, you came to visit me occasionally now. Only i can hear you, only i can feel you. Sorry sometimes i dont let you win in my head but i guess you're the only one that understands. 

study is my buddy

2012-01-17T17:41:00.003+08:00

One direction, Naill, One direction's songs, "what makes you beautiful", "one thing", Stitch, "One time", Ben and Jerry, Tumblr, Taylor swift, stickers, Blue, "who says", "without you", stars, study
helps and make me happy,

you gotta differentiate, what's infatuation and what's love. So dont you waste your time, cause im not what you think i am.
"bang! , I killed you in my mind, you should be dead."

2506,2208

2012-01-15T12:55:00.001+08:00

I hate you. Yea I did it.

Cause you've got that one thing.

2012-01-14T15:28:00.012+08:00

Hi. My blog is so boring, anyway no one really read it lol.
CNY is a week away = $$ = FOOD. FOOD. AND MORE NICE FOOD.
I have been rotting this whole week and procrastinate a lot.
I'm not working hard enough yet. sigh. but i will change it ok.

Went to tobias house yst and Syl taught me POA for..2h? Feeling so inferior lol. He was saying seeing me like this, he need to help me cause his thought of me : "i dont know anything about POA" is worse than what he thought it would be. LOL asshole but true. My basic is not there and im already in sec 4. I guess after her help, i would be able to catch up on POA on Mon. if not i have no choice but to drop it but no, i dont wanna give up yet and rely on Amath.

Been going back to the past too much lately. Or should I say it never really left my mind?
I know situation is getting worse but thank god, although I don't really tell anyone everything anymore and I learnt to keep it to myself.. I'm glad I still have her to trust and she's helping me, watching over me.
Lost myself. All I want is to find back myself. how happy i used to be. Everyone notice my major difference Fucked up isnt it? how it took so long just to feel alright and seconds to fall apart. After falling apart, hating why did you fall apart and the routine continues.
I guess I've moved on cause I know its not worth it when he had settled down or even found someone new. Now its just some problems that I still have to handle it on my own.
Not that I don't trust people anymore but its hard already and its annoying to rant the same sadness every day. No one understands. They can give you all the encouragement they can give because that's what they are suppose to say but through it all, it all end up whether you are able to save yourself.
Ok anyway one direction came out new mv alr !! They are so hot and awesome, I could barely breathe! Lol

Liam voice is the sex. Ok actually their accents are. British guys ftw. Naill and Louis should get more solos, they are really great.

The boys are so cute and Naill is the funny one!!!!♥♥♥ His face is forever priceless and cute!!
"Imagine them being your brothers and one of them is your boyfriend." for me Naill. LOL.
"ASDFGHJKL" WHEN EVER I THINK OF IT LOL.

Forgetting is difficult, remembering is worse.

2012-01-12T20:19:00.004+08:00

I just wanna cry, cry till like the world ends, cry till I'm tired, and when I'm tired, I will sleep.
And sleep forever and ever.

but the fact is i cant, because this isnt the time. Its so fucking hard to control you know? Telling yourself at the very least control till the end of O levels.
Be fucking strong but its so hard. Trying to control is one thing and can be done, but trying to run away from the things inside your head and not think about it. Thats hard, because how do i run away from the things in my head?

Once again. Ten.

2012-01-10T00:40:00.004+08:00

How are you? Are you studying well ?
--
So Yeap , have been very busy and after seeing the look on my senior faces, I feel the pressure and stress.
"you're the fuck up one. I accepted, I give in and I overcomed it but your confused asshole mind destroyed it and once again, loving to break every faith I tried to build in life. Breaking everything when everything SHOULD be fine by now. Problem does not lies with me anymore. Seriously? You mad, bro?
You turned your back on me.
Using a machine gun shoot me all the way back down when I thought the war was over and peace reunite. Lol I'm too naive. Your words are like venom.
Dont expect me to turn up no matter how many of you guys call me to. At the very least, I have my dignity.
Yea People will fuck things up to you but it's a point whereby u wanna let them affect you or not. You matter so you did. This time I let go, you force me to choose this path. To not trust people. Fuck it. Why must human and people make life so difficult -.- why must life make love look hard."
Don't assume it's referring to you ok :)
Lol me bitch? I have been called worse before.

lol bye -.-

2012-01-08T23:51:00.002+08:00

"and if your heart is hurting cause you're the only one who cares"

I want to be able to look at you, and not feel so hurt by you

2012-01-08T16:36:00.008+08:00

Went to Scape and Bugis with Jiamin and Jocelin, along the way saw Bernard's fam with Joseph.
I bought so many stufffff and im sooo broke, like really spent and when i open my wallet left less than $10. Then i called bernard for the return of my money that he owed, in the end still left $10. I must start saving to get my contact lens.
Oh i bought super cute daily stickers. ^ ^ i wanna get it more soon because its too cute i cant bear to use it :X
K anyway, i scored with flying colors for my amaths mock exammmmmm. what a great amaths start for 2012 yarrrrrr!!
It was a last minute chiong study and actually its lucky because what i studied did appeared. And i was lucky enough that they didnt come out the topics like circles, trigo all those after June2011 topics, cause thats when i didnt listen in class and i had no time to study the topics the day before.
So it came out those like really easy ones and when cher say its o level standard.. i was really shock. I mean "are you serious?!" And especially when we were passing up the paper Quan Zong immediate reply was "wha i thought the paper very hard, come out proving trigo etc but so easy!"
K im too happy for my amaths yar! Ok la, MY FIRST TIME SCORED SO WELL WHAT! 体谅我一下 ok!!! ^^
Oh my partner is changed to someeee.. i dont speak to her at all classmate. But nvm -.- im in the very first row. Positive la ok, i can see clearly and i can concentrate and cher can see my bin so perfectly. Anyway so many lessons are split up, i can still hang with these boys and science lesson with my girl.
--
"People think they know you. They think they know how you’re handling a situation. But the truth is no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you’re lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don’t know what’s going on inside your head—the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn’t their fault. They just don’t know. And so they pretend and they say you’re doing great when you’re really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but you."

Its like my sadness is your happiness but misery but one thing im sure its like my happiness is your misery. lol. get a life. "why dont you just give me a bottle of scotch and a handgun to blow my fucking head off"
All i know is you turned your back me when i needed you most. I told you im not bulletproof, now you know.

Monsters are real, ghost are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win

2012-01-05T18:36:00.004+08:00

I am still not working hard enough for my studies but I will focus and try to understand.
Besides, my partner, conor is like a smart guy only. I just use him all the way, LOL ok fake. But yar, at least im concentrating(?) Need to buck up on my POA because i cui till cannot. I now dont even know what does the A-E-D-L-I-C is standing for lol.

"Im gonna pretend Im fine, or at least I am, because who would ever want to be with the fucked up, suicidal girl. No one."

I will miss you.

2012-01-03T15:27:00.021+08:00

Ok i know this post abit outdated yar, but i just summarise whatever i can.
24th Dec.
The plan was very rush and everything and ended up having a bbq party at Bernard's House.
Quite a number turned up, in fact almost everybody? After having a fun time we went to pool after deciding so long and then just countdown and merry christmas, then home.

Was holding on to my favourite bbq food. Salmon. Never really got tired of it :)

Pool.

25th december2011
Its a bit screwed up with my feelings but i went Jocelin house together with amanda teo. Slack like a boss.

31st December 2011
Went to Jocelin house for steamboat. Initial plan was to go town but indecisiveness etc plans destroyed, ended up playing bball and carpark catching. Its fun. Stopped our game and shouted happy new year.

I love my bbygirls.

1st Jan 2012
After the countdown things happened etccccc , just wanna say sorry and thanks for he people around me. Went to grandma house at evening to had my dinner and celebrate my cutest uncle's birthday and meet up with the clique till 1am to sort things. Still, thank you.

2nd Jan2012
Had our feast at fajar before school begin. Very few turned up but we eat till our hearts content. I swear I have the funniest bro on earth, Sylvester Chong. He forever made our day and just every single sentence made us laugh our ass off. Cute ah! The meal was ex but its nice.
Will never forget this boy's jokes lol. Clique will have many jokes of the day with him around.

while waiting....

Shall start to study already. No time to waste. Needa study to forget things that I shouldnt be thinking.

"Because I need to punish myself"

2012-01-03T13:35:00.012+08:00

I failed.

This time I will settle my own.
"you know, im stuck between the person I am, the person I want to be, and the person I'm becoming, and i dont know what to do"

迟早我会还这张脸一堆笑容
不算什么爱错就爱错, 早点认错早一点解脱
我寂寞寂寞就好这时候谁都别来安慰, 拥抱
就让我一个人去痛到., 受不了想到快疯掉, 死不了就还好
你真的不用来我回忆里微笑, 我就不相信我会笨到
忘不了赖着, 不放掉
人本来就寂寞的, 借来的都该还掉
ps/.. "i didnt fake whatever that had happened~"

I accidentally read the msn messages between me and you when im trying to find one of the links that we used to chat.. it still hurts like 100 guns shooting at me.
I caught myself smiling because you're so cute and pampered me a lot yet i attitude you but then i give in too after awhile but i always put the strong front. Then the sweeter the words, tears gathered in my eyes. I swallowed up so that i cant cry but i failed. I burst into tears and turn taylor swift music's volume to the maximum so i can cry comfortably.
i could be strong back then yet now, weak . i have to get back my strength of past me.
you said : i love you and i mean it a lot a lot so pls dont leave me.
forever my reply is : why so sudden.
but i like it a lot and then i will tell you what you meant to me etc.
that point of time i use always instead of forever. I pushed you away but you came running back and 5 days after what "you said you mean it a lot" , you left.
you said not to leave you, i didnt but it was u.
i know i shouldnt be doing this but this is all that i have left and i didnt want to read it but finding the links and pounced upon it was irresistible not to read it.
what happened back then.. something about you was so addictive..
"because i was there when you said forever and always"
but things change. we fell apart. that was the past , the cutest side of you had left and no longer mine. siewhui, move on. you dont love him anymore.
we once loved each other so so much, saying how things will be like 10 years later etc. you forgotten didnt you, your past is a blur. we were once so cute, we actually OWE each other kisses and who should make the first move. lol. well i have to stop living in the past when you moved on, like she said, its not fair to me. i have to start living for myself.

Bang bang you're dead.

2012-01-01T18:46:00.009+08:00

Sorry.. I'm such a fuck up. Sorry for screwing things up.

I had fun with the clique just now.. although i fucked things up with my mood because of inner conflicts. We ended up at bball court with my sudden flu and end up playing carpark hide-and-seek catching. It was super fun. Old times.

Then they had a talk but i had to leave early around 2.30am since i wayyyy exceeded my curfew.

I still wanna change for the better and all Im asking for was to be happy. To fucking forget but I know guys don't like people to think too much, im sorry for me being like this, i really didnt meant it.

I will do my best and not trouble you guys.

Sorry to ruin the mood and make my girls cry, sorry for making you people worried and scared.

i love you guys xoxo.

I said I didnt wanna bring my 2011 to 2012, but who am i kidding. I failed it just at the first day.

I guess its okay, till school reopens.. things will get better.

I tend to escape things a little now. A part of me dont want to know anything that is happening, but yet it is being destroyed with the negative thoughts.

Sorry for the people who turned up just now 6am+ to talk to me, but im really grateful for trying to save me but there are times I have to be independent. I cannot rely on you guys always. Sometimes you have to be your own hero.. isnt it.

I know what happened to me just now. I know my situation and I need to control it.

What I fear is how you guys gonna look at me from now on.. Forget what happened to me please.

So anyway, thank you to this clique. Sorry for being so messed up, being so broken, so weak, sensitive, paranoid.

Dear me, please let me sleep.

What am I? I'm not normal anymore.

I wanna be pretty, just like her. I wanna be good enough but to you guys I'm being foolish cause no one can please everyone in this world. I get it.

Don't worry I will still fight and be strong thou.

Jocelin, Jiayi, Bernard, thank you so much. Along with Jiamin and the rest of the clique who are trying to help me, you-know-who-you-are.

All the best for our o level. We will be back again. Seriously, if we are all in the same school, I guess we have ruled this school and own everyone. Ok fake but we will be the best, in fact we already are as long as you believe we are.

Cny have a last steamboat yea? ;')

Ok ya thinking too much but sorry it's just.. I don't know.

I don't know how to even face you anymore , yea maybe I'm escaping but honestly, I cannot do it, at least not now. Sorry for making you fuck up and that the accounts thing, I really won't do it again. I won't interfere your life again. I will mind my own business. Sorry. Sorry to ruin your new year. With my situation , I made things worse between you and I, I made us even more impossible. You won't even like me since you had seen what had came, of course you wouldn't want a r/s, I mean, who would take the risk.

Sorry.

Gah ok I know people hate me being like this why it's like why can't i just be positive. I wil do it okay.

31december2011

2011-12-31T01:47:00.008+08:00

Its december31st2010, the clock hit 12.00am. All of a sudden its 2011 again, and you have the chance to redo everything. Would you?
My answer? : I would. I swear i will.
New Year, New Life.
2011 has been a really tough year.
The people who i never thought would drift, drifted, the people who i thought would never leave, left.
My "twin" sister, one so called brother, some friends, most importantly the guy i have never ever wish he would left, love.
My family, my studies, my life, was affected greatly.
My clique, which had brought me colours to my life, (yes it sounds drama) but i swear, they were the best thing that ever happened to my life.

(so long ago, before new people in, old people out but we were so innocent and kewtz)

Recalling them would still bring me smiles and laughter but until the part hits, "yea, those were the past, look at us now, we drifted" it brings sadness.
Remembering the times of "你不去死，你不去跳楼，要不要颁奖" so many more.
But i have learnt, promises arent really something. The person who told me he wanted to hold my hand always, left. People change.
But actually i just wanna say, in my heart, although we had drifted, it was a miracle for us to come together. Because, we are all from different schools, yet look at the other people around you now, who would still hang out with their pri school friends and be so close? Rarely.
But it happen to us. We just didnt cherish it, and for us to withstand till this long?
It was the best things in our life.
For those who doesnt bother about this clique, thinking its useless, its fine then. Cause, no one can stop people from leaving. We can never par up when the distance between us all is so far apart due to our school.
So yea, it still hurts seeing them moved on so effortlessly since we dont really meant anything. I mean, what can i do. I (WE, a few of us, who still bothered) tried saving , i tried changing for the better but i wasnt enough. Its still a failure but if some of u putting in a little effort, would it fail? So please stop complaining and making comments if you didnt do anything other than sit there and laugh.
"Sometimes, you just have to give up, not that we dont care but its the other party who didnt care at all"
--
I will still miss you. I know I can't just unlove you even if I said new life, yea i still believe we could work it out but you chose to give up on us when i hang on to the very last. Its just that I have to draw the line of determination and desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.
Somehow maybe i wish you would still come back and just fight.. maybe this is wishful thinking probably mindless dreaming, but if we loved again, i swear i'll love you right.
Im sorry I ever dragged you into my twisted, messed up world. I just thought you might be the one to pull me out of it.
This year, was the worst year of all, experiencing people leaving, people who used me, people who give up on me, and those people who turned their back on me when i needed them and eff up situations with friends etc
Hopefully after the tough year, we would still come back and go back to what we promised of going genting together..
It's been a awful year , a horror, it's like a demon is living inside me.
I just dont want to bring my 2011 to 2012. I just want.. Everything to stop, I want to be happy but life just fuck things up whenever u are fine..
Everyday i forgot my life, lifeless and everything and i could not imagine how life is gonna be like with the new year and more books coming. I have to exhaust myself every day so that I have no time to think of things i shouldnt. I have to move on from people who doesnt want me.
Hopefully after O's, God wouldnt forbid fate should step in and wont force us into a goodbye.
I will always remember this feeling.
2012, please be worth it.

People do have a power over us even after they're gone

2011-12-30T21:46:00.002+08:00

What is alive?

2011-12-29T20:24:00.006+08:00

Let's face this fact and what i heard about in one of the variety show.
"Boys who love this particular girl and try to get her and everything is at the maximum point of 100% while girls ? Range of 1-50%. As time goes by the girls slowly love and the percentage grows till a maximum point and maybe it stays there."
Suddenly one day, BAM! The guys percentage just decrease until there's no feeling left.
What's left? the memories and the foolish girl hanging there.
--
I see what you're doing. So is this what you want?
I told you , I'm used to it .
Does it make you, feel better, to watch me while I bleed ?
Is this the new you you're talking about? Cool.
All these while, I don't want to feel so hurt by looking at you.
And that , some things I don't want say cause I don't want to make you guilty or think that I'm some pathetic loser because I just don't want you to hear it. Its pointless. I just deal with my own problems, like how you work things alone.
I know I should hurt you but I can't, so I let you hurt me instead. If that's what you want .
I miss the past so much. No one could understand that feeling. Just remember the first trip of Ecp with my clique I swear just remember the face and talk about it, the look in our eyes are indescribable. The eyes get watery, you know? It hurts. Because people moved on, you get replaced when they found someone better. you are not interesting anymore, people leave eventually and there is nothing you could do to stop them.
Before this year end, I just want all of us together, but it's so hard.. So so hard, I tried. Really.. But I watch it slip away like the sand in my hands..
I love you guys so much and you guys will never know how much i meant this sentence.
Tell me man, why is life like this?! Don't tell me someday I will understand. Total shit. Seriously humans, people, are fucking crazy. How much must a human take? Why must we experience this shit.
I love my past and you never know how much it meant to me, how much I wish time could rewind, how much I thought about it every.single.night. How i fight to stop it. But whn people read this, people think u act cute, you emo, you attention. SERIOUSLY?! It's not a choice man. You think we like a life like this?!
I just want to normal. WE just wanna be happy like the past. We just want our innocence back. Can't you fcking people see it?

You can't break a broken heart.

2011-12-27T15:19:00.019+08:00

Im so tired.
Tired of falling apart every single day. Tired of being me.
Tired of waking up and my first thought is "i can't do this anymore"
I guess the best thing i have done this holiday was tumblr because thats the only place i express out every single thing im going through me and im not being judge.
I need to save myself.

i dont love you.

I cared okay! I JUST CARED.

2011-12-26T02:49:00.003+08:00

I let you hurt me so much because I love you.
I'm used to it.
I wished, you never change. I wished our feelings would stay the same. But no you changed, you became more arrogant because you gain the power. The power to control people's feelings. Ever since you know you could get a few girls , plus iphone etc you change more and more. If that's only my opinion im sorry. Yea maybe to you, you changed for the better. i have no rights to judge you anyway.
So, do you like your new change? The current you? Are you really happy now ? If yes, great, because then that's worth it.
I'm sorry. Im sorry for not able to move on. I'm sorry for loving you. I'm sorry for caring for you. I'm sorry for crying for you. I'm sorry for the mess I'm making. I'm sorry that I'm broken.
People change, but feelings don't. Memories don't.
You can't call me to stop loving you and just a fucking click, the feeling just stop. NO IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. THAT'S YOU . IM A FREAKING HUMAN.
Yea he is really good to me but HE IS NOT YOU but dont you understand?! Why can't you see it. I dont want it to turn out this way either, i wanna let him in, i tried but it just isn't right!
I wish we could work it out somehow. Somehow I feel I KNOW that we can. I wish we can forget all these hurt, give us time and another chance so that we can start everything again. This is why I keep believing , believing that since we changed, give us time to forget everything and let us know the new us again but I know you don't want. So it's fine . It's okay. Its just my wishful thinking.
Most importantly since we can't , how I wish we never met but that's impossible. Because we met, we loved, we promised, we drifted, I hurt, I fell apart .
This pain is killing me every fucking day. My life is like a marathon that I just want to end . It's like as if I rather just sleep forever till this pain would go away. I fucking hell wish a car knock over and i will lost the memory. The memory of you. I don't feel normal. I feel like a monster, I don't even feel real.
Tell me, how did you do it?
I love you. But you don't . There's nothing I can do and life goes on.
Yea 5/6 months yet I ain't moving. Stupid huh. A fool to love you.
And when you take, you take the very best of me.
You put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey and I stood there lovin' you and washed them all away
And you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.
What a shame, What a rainy ending.
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you
You never did give a damn thing, honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody
If I died, died for you
don't want to bring my 2011 to 2012.
But no regrets, I tried my best to save us, but you didn't.
There's nothing I could say to you, nothing I could ever do to make you see what you mean to me. All the pain the tears I cried still you gave up. Now I know how'd far you go. I thought I had everything I didn't know what life could bring but now I see, honestly. you're the only one I let inside, now I can't breathe and if I let you down I'll turn it all around cause I will never let you go.

Merry Christmas .

2011-12-25T01:40:00.003+08:00

Went to Bernard house to celebrate Christmas eve with bbq and then to pool at mambo during 10plus.
It was fun actually. I swear sylvester is so cute and funny today . A real joker.
I'm really bad at pool... Sigh.
--
Hey you, yes you again.

Yea I know , our clique very fail. All the things we plan always fail but don't you dare, ok don't you ever dare sit there and say I didn't try. I did.
Seriously why the fuck do you affect me so much?! Do you know when you lost your phone and wallet, I was so worried. Because of Bernard putting your house number as "iPhone" we spam call and messages to reach you. And when it actually called back, my heart literally JUMP , but that's when we found out its wrong number, it was your father -.-
You went home . I thought you were in deep shit, my mind was thinking one thing: "what if his parents scold?! Omg he no phone and wallet, omg how is he?!!"
And when I heard YOU FOUND IT ALL ALONG . I fucking hell sore.
I CRIED.
I don't know why the fuck I cried when all along you just wanted to tease jiamin since she was "so called" the one to last left the phone .
After crying , people around me asking why I cried since its not me who lost your phone , you don't even concern me anymore , why I cried?
YEA WHY I EVEN CRY?!
I was even damn worried and Bernard was there telling me how my face was just now . As if the world was gonna end . Seriously?
You know, I hate myself a lot . What is wrong with me .
But of course I don't blame you, since I think you are not trying to prank me, it's me, I'm a fool. I cared too much till it hurts so much.

Merry Christmas eve

2011-12-24T00:29:00.002+08:00

i see it, they are so capable . I see it, she's better than me . I see it, they're prettier. I see it, you don't love me anymore at all.
I really didn't hope I didn't expect but why, tell me why Santa? Why am I disappointed ?
It wasn't suppose to hurt this way, I need you. I need you. Tell me, why.
All I want for Christmas.. Is you.

2011-12-23T15:23:00.002+08:00

We look-ED cute togehter.

2011-12-21T14:27:00.004+08:00

It hurts isnt it, when somebody tells you that you and i look cute together.
Thats what bernard's maid said thou.
She said "i like you 2 together" as she was clueless with the situation between me and you.
You and i? it was history. A past whereby you had forgotten.
Does it kills you like it kills me when she said that? hah, nah.
We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it. All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

Cause eventually, you will get replaced.

2011-12-20T22:54:00.004+08:00

I thought it was the last phone call.. but its wasnt..
Not sure what is happening. I'm glad, I didnt hope. But I hope I wont get disappointed..
Somehow, Maybe, Im.. only a replacement. Only someone for you to talk to cause nobody is.
I guess.. its okay. Because as long as you need me, i'll try my best to be there.. until you have her.
Silly huh, when I myself know or feel that Im just another girl to talk to.. I still let it happen..
Cause i guess sometimes, as long as i feel your existence, its worth it. As long as you still bothered for the call.. its okay. Even if you made me feel the worst, wanting me to be sore.. if you're happy its okay.
Because 你还是要幸福.

Brightest star

2011-12-19T22:05:00.009+08:00

Pool on Dec 14th at Chevrons. It was so called my first time official playing pool.
I was super noob.. well first time rightttt! And i got pretty nervous and uncomfortable at times for some reason.
Have been lazy to post about my activities. Im so lazy to do my homework. In fact i havent touched any. Not 1%. sigh procrastination....

Been catching the drama, you're beautiful . I know its like super long ago?? 2009 -_-
Anyway im not kpop or even into korea but i was really bored since its holiday and saw this airing on channel U so i decided to catch it online. It was addictive.
Well im mesmerized by Jung Yong Hwa. He's not the one that got the girl.. but still he's soooo sweet !!!

As for the main lead, i swear when he smiles it was adorable. Heart melt haha

--
"Isn’t it crazy how we can look back a year ago.. and realize how much everything has changed? The amount of people that have left your life, entered, and stayed. The memories you won’t forget and the moments you wish you did. Everything. It’s crazy how that happened all in one year."

就是不够好

2011-12-18T22:39:00.001+08:00

一直以来我的猜测对了吧。。
你说过，我在你眼里是特别的，现在时间过了，也证明了，其实我没那么的特别，只是个很平凡的女生。
根本都比不过她那苗条的身材，她那么的可爱和漂亮。他是个千金小姐，男生喜欢她也不稀奇，你也不例外。也许她们性格，个性，都真的很好。也许我就真的那么平凡吧，也不够好。
这就像戏里面，那些女主角常常说的，
＂你有没有想过，其实我也很会发脾气，很邋遢，没有你想象中那么的好，也没有你想象中那么的喜欢我＂
我以前真的以为我真的是在你眼里很特别的，但我错了，你以前说的话，也错了。

Maybe the very last call.

2011-12-17T15:46:00.001+08:00

That mornight. The call started at 3.05am. I could still remember how my heart racing, how i was so awkwardly awkward and holding my phone tightly when i made that call. How i slapped my cheeks to calm down and all the words inside my head. All these are like less than 1 min but i was freaking nervous.
"how should i say hello?"
"should i.. err hello?" "hello" "Hel..lo?" "er hi?" but in the end i speak normally.
The phone call ended abruptly at 4.59am .
During the phone call, the silence in between was comfortable but i've never heard silence quite this loud. The talk was mundane and i'm dying to ask so many questions. I gritted my teeth somehow but after some questions that i've had asked.. i ponder and think i shouldnt. Cause maybe, you didn't wanna answer. Im afraid to ruin things up. Im afraid that you would think im irritating. Im afraid i would put you pressure into it.
And even if i ask, you might not answer honestly, or.. the questions are useless. Because even if i got the answers, it wouldnt be of any use.
The feeling I got when we're on the phone, we were like the past. But.. the difference is that, you're not mine anymore.
and.. you didnt tried to start any topic.. maybe.. there's just no topics to you.
I was disappointed when you said you forgotten the past. Easy for you huh.? Or you didnt want to answer?.. you know, if you tell me not to ask.. i would really understand. But that very line that you said you have forgotten the past.. it hurts because if thats the case that you forgotten about her, it would maybe be easy for you to forget ours since our past was even way back. And im the only one remember every small memory. You moved on.
I Know there's something troubling you. Prolly its about parents or something else but you're stubborn as ever. You dont wanna say cause you solve things yourself. or maybe, you just didnt want to tell me. Its okay cause i have no rights to interfere. Im not even your friend.
There's just so many questions im dying to ask. Are you still with her? Do.. you like her? How are you during the months? Is your new clique better than ours? How's life? Tell me bout your family. I havent seen them in a while. & so.. much more.
You tried to tease me? Or trying to make me sore.. i dont know if you really dislike me etc. I guessed, after what i've had heard last time and how i know you used to keep wanna make me sore, i was actually used to it. At the very least.. we're talking. I dont expect much anyway.
so.. when the call ended itself/u? i didnt know if i should call back but i guess you're tired. So i fell asleep too in a while's time.
When i woke up, i thought everything was a dream, cause Im scared it was like how the last few nights when i dreamt of you and i. The feeling when you woke up and realised its only just a dream, the heart ache. It sank.
This time it wasnt. Its real. And then i felt stupid, retarded. I dont know if yesterday's night call was right or wrong or it just makes things worse between me and you..
but one thing i know for sure, that feeling when i was talking with you and those very small jokes and at least you answered..
i was genuinely happy.
Maybe you never really change at all actually , you just have a change of heart
Doubt you will ever read since its private. Guess its better this way

2011-12-16T22:05:00.002+08:00

I bought my white dress at town already! ALONE. #foreveralone yar!
okay so some stuff happen , maybe i was pms or something but everything was okay.
I was independent at least. Im not 路痴
should i.. private my blog for some construction and stuff..?
--

Give up.

2011-12-14T14:18:00.003+08:00

我想要, 安静地思考, 天平上让爱恨不再, 动摇, 一想你就平衡不了
得不到, 也不要乞讨
怎么做? 不需要别人转告, 在陷得太深的海底
我也只剩下我自己能依靠
叫思念, 不要吵
我相信我已经快要, 快要把你忘掉
跟寂寞, 再和好

2011-12-13T22:41:00.004+08:00

It was a freaking nightmare. I'm so afraid to sleep now.
That scene was as if its true.. i could still remember my heart beating , i could still remember how i sweat and my hair look all so sticky with sweat as i lie on the bed with the wet and warm bedsheet when i woke up.
When the sun shine at me , it was so irritating and was hating the sunshine.
The bed was very uncomfortable with my clothes on but i didnt wanna get up.
I think i'm losing my mind. Am I mad?
Its like I lost myself. I dont feel alive.
Oh my, what really happen last night and when i woke up? Was it even me?
--
I dont know how to get through but i will fight with the war in my head every night.
Maybe one day, everything will be okay. Positive.

Back to square one, send it on

2011-12-10T12:16:00.001+08:00

We all tried to be someone we couldn't be. Maybe, like the "her" in our mind that we all have.
The "her" in your mind is probably, prettier, skinner, taller.. much more gorgeous and stunning than you are, and then you started comparing and feeling inferior, thinking why life is so unfair?
And then all the "what ifs" came in.
What if i have bigger eyes? What if im much slimmer, having slimmer thighs, flat stomach.. What if my hair is like hers? What if i have those nicer cheek bones? What if i dont have such a high forehead? What if im prettier? It all comes down to one thing, "what if im pretty, like her"
Because people dont look at your personality first. People judge you automatically by your looks and then try to get to know your personality. But the second they don't like your looks, they don't get to know you. That's how reality is.
and then i scrolled past this in tumblr

People judge you. Regardless the way you dress, the way you talk, the way you are, oh and then in cyber. The tweets you tweet, the post you blog. It drags down to saying you are an attention seeker. So, i love tumblr. Maybe some non-tumblr pple might even judge your tumblr with depressing post and say you are attention seeker again but we, tumblr users does not think it that way.

Take this for example . If i post this on facebook or twitter, people would comment nasty stuff. But in tumblr you get these replies. You get cheerful messages and pictures that express what you feel.
So my point,
People who think Depression is a choice, take a second to think. How would it feel to wake up and not have the emotional strength to face people. To think that time is just passing by with no real reason. To feel so alone even when you are sitting in a room full of people. To have to put on a face and hide your feelings because no one would care anyway. To lose friends because you can't find the strength to go out and you can't physically be 'happy'. To cry yourself to sleep, hoping you wouldn't wake up then when you do you are exhausted from the night before, and it all starts again. You try to hide your feelings hoping no one would notice and if you slip up all you get called is attention seeking and 'emo'. Now tell me why someone would choose that? Depression is an illness, not a choice.
We are girls. We will never be satisfied enough and we tend to compare. The hurt hits the most when the guy you like fell for another girl. Thats when you compared and feel inferior.
But, we are who we are. I wish to have some plastic surgery and become like some pretty girls, taylor swift, snsd or wtv. But whats important is i wanna live like who i am.
I eat what I want. I do what I want. I am beautiful in my own way.
But of course, at times I will change for the better. I will smile and nothing looks wrong. Thats how people should look at you. Stay happy. It makes us, girls look beautiful. Inside-out.
--
So its the date again.
"If only forgetting you was as easy as pointing a wand to my head and saying "obliviate" "
iloveyouso and no matter how, life goes on, with or without you.
I can live without you, but without you, I'll be miserable at best. Yet i need to be me.
Oh im decorating my room . I will post about it soon after im 100% done with it.

Im captivated by you baby, like a fireworks show.

2011-12-07T16:40:00.000+08:00

Marina Barrage for a picnic on the 2nd December. It was the outing for us F4Tree . Teehee.

We bought a lot of food but in the end we spent too much on tuna that we really dont feel like eating. We bought too much of the same kind but nevertheless its nice okay!!
Jiayi had her netball training so she came super late like 8 + and missed out most of our camwhored session cause it was really dark already.

Playing with shades .

Powerpuff girls.

Jiayi arrived. ^ ^

Group photos. I love the top one the best with sharmaine standing. Now you know whose the tree!?!?! hehe

The going home trip was so screwed up. Traffic jam and stand till my leg damn sore and was so late for my curfew but luckily dad didnt scold much.
Sigh i dont know what i did wrong or maybe he had the impression i will spoil her or he just hates my attitude etc but seriously i think you judge too fast. we barely speak more than 10 sentences and you're not letting her be friends or hanging out with us / me . I fucking dont wanna lose her as a friend bt she loves you too much so she give in. SERIOUSLY!? cant believe i even tried to help you and talk good about you lolzzzzz. what a world.
fyi i fucking changed so dont judge me if any some rdm judges told you abt my past. cause i bet they dont even talk to me before or has not been hanging out with me alr yea.

Girls.

2011-12-04T22:56:00.000+08:00

Went town with Batrisyia and Syafiqah on Thursday.
Walked around as i was really broke. Didnt bought much and i dont like the idea of window shopping. I mean.. you know that feeling? when you see something you really really love but you cant buy it. Sucks to the max.
So anyway went to camwhored after that. I look awkward cause i dont know how to pose like how these 2 beautiful swaggers . LOL.

machiam superheroes/powerpuff girls. ok fakeeee. lol

Bat bought this cool shades. Swag. Haha

Polkadog.

i bought this blue shades. Blue ftw ! ^ ^

ok jumpshot. i look..... erm nvm but see that starfish beside me!? :B

HAIIIIIIIIII YA. !!

"被你喜欢过很难觉得别人有那么喜欢我" - 那些年，我们一起追的女孩
Updating soon . BaiBai .

USS.

2011-11-30T20:56:00.000+08:00

(EDITED)(EDITED)(EDITED)(EDITED)(EDITED)(EDITED)

Hi i just came back from USS today.

Yeap, its my first trip. Its free of course.. with my dear guiders and all my cca members (:
Our first ride was straight up to Battlestar Galactica. *Brave* ^^
Although there were disagreements in between because some of them kept forcing to call yongyue and yongyi to ride on the blue ride, and some drama........... but guess what, the 2 which initially refused rode 3 times on the blue one. tsktsk. The end of the ride yongyi even clapped hands shouting "omg this is so fun". she cute ah!
I prefer the blue than red of course although blue is 360 degrees, it is not so scary compared to the red. Because the red's protection wasnt.. secure enough to me.

Had our group photo while waiting for the canopy flyer. anyway me and yongyi expect it to be like slow moving, some sight-seeing since yixuan said its not scary but no. It was slow for the first 3 seconds and was wow-ing at the "far far away" word and suddenly it speed up and me and yongyi was shock. The ride wasnt so scary ah but we really didnt expect that speed coming.
Yongyi and i jitao after the ride wanted to box yixuan yet she gave us that innocent look. LOL

See that big eyes girl in the left picture? thats yixuan. She's super cute and pretty but she's very camera shy. tsk!!

Tried to imitate that cute boy on the left but failed LOL . Oh and puss in boots!

Had our lunch and the meal was expensive but the burger we had was huge. Had a hard and unglam moment on eating it.
Yongyi and I bought the cute shrek hairband. hehehe

rode on the madagascar ride. we had lots of fun and even took a video. hehe

someday i will be tall like them and feminine like her. OK FAKE. LOL

The transformers ride was open !! when i thought it was suppose to be on 3rd dec? according to the news. Anyway the ride was really really great. All of us love it. One of the best rides.

The castle is super pretty and the ginger breadman stall is cute.

Bought my cookies. I havent open yet. Yixuan says the gingerbread man biscuit is gonna taste like ginger. wtf.

okayy.. so there wasnt anybody standing there looking if you are gonna take the 3D glasses home.. so ya. lol green was during the shrek one and blue was during the 3d transformers roller coaster ride?

Ok my jiaobin with the cute yongyi beside me.

Overall the trip was super fun. But its a pity we had to left like 4.45..
I really hope i could visit somday again when i have the $ with my friends. Best is with my clique. Miss them so much, we are suppose be having fun... like last year.
"oh what a shame, what a rainy ending, given to a perfect day"
anyway pics are all in fb. Baibai!

You cry but you tell no one.

2011-11-26T00:29:00.001+08:00

I know what to express myself in terms of feelings and what not to anymore.

And she will be loved.

2011-11-24T15:06:00.000+08:00

You fell in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time.
And i guess, sometimes in life , what god takes away from you, he would give you something back, something even better.
Oh and really glad that taylor swift won the AMA Awards 2011. she deserves it. :) HEHE

Capricorn

2011-11-22T15:08:00.000+08:00

Hello. I am talking to the most chio person currently.
He likes to act cute. He is a great talker. He is proud, understanding, and sweet. Irresistable.
He very stubborn, i call him study he likes to argue . He very childish but its okay.
He is very caring and everyday hopes that as long as im happy its alright.
overall he is a noob.
Ciao. LOL.

And she turns up the music to drown her life.

2011-11-19T13:20:00.000+08:00

Town yesterday with Lydia and the day before with 2 cutie pies , Jocelin and Jiamin.
There were so many knitted clothes, dresses, shoes, tops which i really wanna buy but $ tight, and its not a nice timing to spend since there are still many more days for me to shop.
Hope i could get to shop with mummy soon, ok not to spend her $ but i think its been a long time since i last shop with her.

Day 2:

Cant wait to shop again , for new year clothes etc. cause sec 4 i will be very packed.
Oh and christmas too..
"Last christmas, i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away, this year, to save me from tears, i'll give it to someone, special"
I miss my past. I miss everything I had from primary till sec 2. I cant believe i wanna get out of pri life cause of being bullied terribly and stuff, in fact i miss those bullies.
Cause they brought memories. I miss being loved dearly by my close ones. 还记得，我是最被疼的. no i dont miss you, i miss me. I miss the old me. I miss me, terribly. but what life meant is, it goes on.

Decorating and D.I.Y my room soon! can anyone tell me where to get this kind of lights..? :/

To that special someone , you can make everything better. You are really really special and nice. Thank you ^ ^ 但还是保持这样，我可不想搞砸。

Once you've been hurt, you learn how to hurt

2011-11-14T20:12:00.000+08:00

很爱很爱一个人，刚开始的时候会觉得，要是能和对方永远相守，自己就是幸福的；
后来觉得，只要相爱过，自己就是幸福的；
再后来觉得，只要对方幸福，自己就是幸福的；
再再后来觉得，只要对方活着，自己就是幸福的；
到最后觉得，只要对方存在过，自己就是幸福的。

刚才看到彩虹，而且是 double rainbow 呢！我也许个愿望了。
哈哈，我最近一直讲华文又惨英文，也许是因为迷住那本书“那些年，我们追的女孩”了吧。
而且。。刚才还笨苯的追他，因为我的脑海里只想着到底是不是他，也许能看到他就是算幸福了，哈哈我也太傻也太笨了吧。
其实我也很喜欢当年喜欢你的我但现在我不可以了。总值，对啦，我是笨蛋，笨蛋才会喜欢你那么久。
the only way to forget is to accept and the only way to move on is to look ahead.

11/11/11

2011-11-12T21:23:00.001+08:00

(iphone got problem and the post didnt came out the date i wanted -_-)

its 11/11/11

caught this movie "you are the apple of my eye" twice. I swear its super super nice!!! Worth the catch . sweet and touching, ending might not be what you liked but its really awesome. im reading the book now but .. the book and movie's storyline kinda diff. The main lead is super shuai de okay! And i envy the female cause i bet every girl out there just wish to be her.

--
12/11/11
Anyway i was supposed to be at ECP ton and make my wish with my nicely written letter, but it didnt turned out as i expected...(if only jocelin was here T-T) but nvm
i cried out and h2h with jiamin at the nearby reservoir. abit pathetic but sitting by the water feels great too. 2011 sucks big time. 2010 dec holidays was the best part of my life. Just look back on my fb photos , we changed so much. i miss my clique. some even "moved out" but well, shit happens, people change, feelings fade.
And then group photos of us, 2nd month and 1st ecp trip, movie for the child's eye. ohmymymy,
times changed. I looked go ugly , as in my photos are cui face but really, those were the days where everything was perfect. Life was great. Looks didnt really matter a lot huh? but life goes on.
I hope my prayers were answered and grant my wish with my letter that i wrote , scattered.
So i ton at Sharmaine house and followed by Joseph house when im supposed to be at mac waiting friend but didnt turn up as she's a cutie pigggg! LOL. Talked till 6am+ with Joseph's bro. I learnt many and it was an awesome talk. :')
How was your 11/11/11 ? i guess you all spent it well , hope you guys wishes will be granted thou! xoxo
PS/ 谢谢你曾经喜欢我，感谢的是你，曾经牵过我的手。祝福你和她，因为有一种爱叫做放手。

Its 10

2011-11-10T20:27:00.001+08:00

The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live

2011-11-07T19:57:00.000+08:00

Back from my 1 day Malaysia , kukup again with most of my relatives.

Played mahjong . After dinner, karaoke for few hours and back to Mahjong till 4am.
My uncle and some of us seh alr and started talking no sense. Damn cute.

Yah when i pin up my fringe , i look so ugly. BLAHBLAHBLAH.

so i met this cute girl who is the daughter of the owner? anyway she's pretty !! Esp her eyes (her eyelashes!)

Ok here is my another cousin. Soooo cute right!! A real cutiepie. When i browse through my photos and saw the right picture i shocked and stared with my sis. Adorable :)

想念是会呼吸的痛,它活在我身上所有角落,哼你爱的歌会痛,看你的信会痛,连沈默也痛
遗憾是会呼吸的痛,它流在血液中来回滚动,後悔不贴心会痛,恨不懂你会痛,想见不能见最痛- 会呼吸的痛
missing you is the pain that breathes, it lives on every part of my body, missing you is the pain that breathes, it lives on every part of my body. Regret is the pain that breathes, it flows back and forth within my blood, regretting not have cared enough hurts, hating not have understood you enough hurts, wanting to see you but can’t hurts the most
I teared while listening to it. Cause I experienced it countless times.. I know how hard it is to breathe with a heavy heart. you know, it hurts to see the difference of me leaving to kukup for this year and last. Changes scares me.

"I wouldn't hate you for walking away from me, or never talking to me again. In fact, I'd actually understand. I know I'm not the greatest person out there, I do stupid shit, I fuck things up. If you don't want to be with me, it's understandable. I have drama, I go crazy sometimes, I'm not perfect, I have flaws, I don't always do the right thing, but I've never tried to be someone who I know I'm not. And if you can't take my bad and good moments, or my shattered life, its okay."
你说你会记得我还记得吗？i'd rather be someone you used to love than someone you've grown to hate. "she can have you" You don't care how it hurts because yknow wht, guess its better this way
Oh and formspring me!!

The best years of our lives.

2011-11-03T20:08:00.000+08:00

"We had the best years of our lives, but you and I would never be the same,
September took me by surprise, and I was left to watch the seasons change.
It's been so quiet since you're gone, and everyday feels more like a year,
Sometimes I wish I could move on, the memories would all just disappear
So many things I should've said when I had the chance
So many times we took it all for granted
I´d never thought this could ever end, I´d never thought I´d lose my best friend
Everything is different now
Can we stop the world from turning?
I´d never thought I´d have to let you go. I´d never thought I´d ever feel this low. I wish I could go back and we'd stop the world from turning
Looking back on better days when we were young,
We thought we knew so much and now it seems so far away
I'm wondering if I was good enough
Gone are all the days when we swore we´d never break and now I´m left here alone
I´d never thought we would ever end, everything is different now.Can we stop the world from turning?
I´d never thought I´d have to let you go. I´d never thought I´d ever feel this low. I wish I could go back.
And we'd stop the world from turning"

Honestly this song really meant a lot to me i mean, every lyrics fits perfectly what i'm feeling. Power of music ya. LOL. I could really have that heart sinking feeling when i listen and hum it.
Could really make me tear. Avril Lavigne for the win . XOXO.

Because its Halloween.

2011-11-03T18:38:00.000+08:00

Went to Bernard House for our clique Halloween BBQ party.
It was fun and it has really been a extreme long time whereby everybody turned up. Even those with boyfriends etc. Omg we are like a family only. ^ ^ HOSEH BO!~
So, anyway started off with the food and then playing, camwhoring, colouring each other's faces.
We were being so cute , lame, childish but what matters most was that it was really fun!
Event success !! :)

With Lydia.

Im a devil. MUAHAHAH.

Hello ! imma cat!

Sharmaine!! Ok i really like this baby over here . Oh and there's Ray the failed pikachu. LOL.
----
FEATURING OUR COLOURFUL FACES TOGETHER! HEHE OK WE LOOK RETARDED.
but we were so cute and having fun with it. Halloween what!!! What matters was its fun.

Waking up is painful

2011-11-03T01:23:00.001+08:00

Soon .

"You can get used to the physical pain, the way your legs and arms ache as your body eats at your muscles, you can get used to the constant headaches, the way your eyes are all over the place never focusing and always stinging, you can get used to the sadness, the loneliness, how you are always cold, always tired, always alone. You can get used to it all, but you NEVER get used to the wars that go on in your head, the constant mood changes, the hate, you don’t get used to the way you can’t control your emotions, how you can explode any second but you haven’t scheduled it in your mind, and the unpredictability of emotions drives you up the wall. You don’t get used to the way you shift from wanting a life to being dead, and those shifts are the hardest to handle, how you suddenly realize everything that’s missing. But take just one factor away, just one, like poor eyesight- and then comes the frantic feeling of panic. Of how something you hate so much, but something that has become so comforting and homey and even made you ‘happy’ is ruined and you will do anything to go back ‘home’ to that place.”
-swallowgold.

To love is to let go

2011-10-29T14:00:00.000+08:00

对他唯一遗憾, 是分手那天, 我奔腾的眼泪, 都停不下来, 若那一刻重来, 我不哭, 让他知道我可以很好
-------------
My only regret towards him, is the day we broke up
My surge of tears, could not stop flowing
If that moment could start all over again, I will not cry
To let him know that I can still live well
-------------
我的梦 , 狠狠碎过却不会忘, 曾为他, 相信明天就是未来, 情节有多坏, 都不肯醒来
我的心, 深深伤过却不会忘
我和他, 不再属于这个地方, 最初的天堂最重的荒唐
如果还有遗憾又怎么样呢, 伤了痛了懂了就能好了吗?
-------------
但是你不用在意流泪也只想刚好而已，我早已经待在谷底
我知道不能再留住你，也知道不能没有孤寂，感激你让我拥有缺点的美丽
-------------
You don't have to mind, as the tears are just a coincidence. I know I can't hold you back, and i know that i cannot lose my dignity, but Im grateful that you let me experience autumn's beauty.
-------------
想念变成怀念,心动变成心碎,偏偏还会关切,你最后属于谁
如果你从没出现,我会不会觉得快乐一些 ?
就把回忆永远停在这里

It used to be sunflowers with sunshines. Now its roses with thorns.
But as far as i hope you all know, i'm fine.

The way i loved you.

2011-10-25T17:25:00.000+08:00

Its like a blanket. Or something you really really like. One day you lost it, or your mama threw it away. You would try to find back exactly the same blanket. But then you realise even if you bought exactly the same blanket, the feeling you had for the previous blanket wasnt the same anymore. Cause things change & Time heal, hopefully.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're insecure, don't know what for.

2011-10-24T20:05:00.000+08:00

Arent they the cutest boys ever!?!?!?
One Direction FTW !!

Oh i have been hooked up on this show . I swear its freaking addictive and thrilling.
Its like there's this prettiest girl "Allison" missing and found dead but was being harrassed by this unknown called A. Which might be Allison?
Main point : this show is really nice and i am currently hooked up on it.
Oh as for Khuntoria... well i think pretty little liars took over my addiction for it . Shall wait it when i have the time :)

Adults says, relationships will affect your studies etc. Yes it will, i dont disagree 100% but its not totally right either.
When you're in love, it will not entirely affect your studies, its the break up , the moving on, the focusing in class, or the fights in between a r/s that troubles you .
On the other hand, when you're in love and have study dates with your love, it would be quite effective and cute when you 2 help each other, test each other with the revision notes you exchanged, tease each other in between . The encouragement cards etc. It, actually motivates you, does it?
Remember when I said we met at the wrong time, we should meet 3-5 years later and fall in love. Because what happen now wasnt what we should deserve. Isn't it?
So, there's no need to rush, if something is meant to be, it will happen. In the right time with the right person , for the best reason. No point looking back when he doesnt even give a shit about you anymore, isnt it.
Back to my show. Ciao!

It's too late to regret

2011-10-19T19:56:00.000+08:00

I still can't believe my shitty results.
How am i gonna explain to my parents? I really don't know. Its the worst result ever. I just know i'm sorry. i really am.
When i said shit its really shit. Its not those failure of 40+ but with my expected amaths results. 13/100. And a fail of my english , sci , em.
I just dont know how to explain yet.
And those subjects that i passed is those people who got a straight A for it while me ? a C5/6
Its too late to regret cause regretting doesn't make any changes to my results so i got to face it.
But although Chinese was a subject i had to score A1 and didn't for it , i was satisfied i did well for my composition. It really wasn't effort to be honest but more on luck. Cher said i got the talent in there, its just im lazy etc. and if able to, the compo would be published.
Honestly, i hadnt passed up any chinese compo of my hw and situational writing etc was Yixuan who guide me word for word this whole year.
The compo was just about sadness and i was able to expressed it out missing someone with a few lyrics inside. So it was a question that i really know how to do. Funny thing was while doing it i can really feel it and wanted to cry. LOL.
but nevertheless i will put in effort in the future too thou.
For that particular guy who despise me, yeah you might score a little bit higher for some of my subj , but sorry we still fail and its not smth to be proud of. so whether you scored higher or i scored higher the report grade is still the same. And when i really scored higher , stop going around saying im stupid etc.
I dont see the need to compare results actually. I dont even care if I did very well or you did very well cause what matters is myself. What i want to do in MY life.
What im gonna do about this result which is badly done and not because i wanna win. No, this is so not the attitude that i am gonna behave.
I really ought to thank Mr V. He taught me a lot.
"Its not that you hate yourself, its just that you didnt meet the expectation that you have set for yourself & you dont like the feeling of it"

Nothing really matters

2011-10-14T00:08:00.001+08:00

What's the most things in your life?
Most people's answer would be,
my family, my friends, my relationship, my studies
But what if, one day, every single thing that is labeled and bold above this sentence came tearing you apart?
whats more important things there in your life when there is too much to handle?

I will never be good enough for you

2011-10-06T17:24:00.000+08:00

This song is for you. I dont really feel that i have done anything to hurt you like how you are describing me now . -_-
You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man
But you don't know
Someday I'll be living in a big old city. And all you're ever gonna be is mean. Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again
The cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing
But all you are is mean. All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life

You can take everything I have. You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass. Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down. I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
I'm gonna stay right here. Watch you disappear, yeah. Go run, Yeah it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
btw, i was born this way. I, myself hope i could be those stunning gorgeous girls on the street where guys would take a look.
I admit , yeah there are some part im a fucked up but who doesnt?! no one is perfect. As long as i know my mistake and i admit and i can swear to myself I DID try to be better . It may not be good enough but i will isnt it?
i could still clearly remember what you told me when crossing the road, you said " there are some people you can trust , like me , bernard etc except for J"
but what now? thanks man you abused my trust, you used the things i tell you and make the fun of it uh?
Anyway thats it, im done. What he said was right, i thank him actually.
No point pleasing everyone, being good for everyone. Fuck what people think. Wait till they are in my shoes. Besides even if one day i become a saint, i bet you will still use my past bad negative side to tear me down. Like i said, I WILL NEVER IMPRESS YOU.

If i die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses

2011-10-02T09:49:00.000+08:00

Can't believe EOY is tomorrow. And before i know it, it will be the holidays.
I was on the verge to give up every single thing until there's this strong girl , LydiaKwon talked me out through it. Not forgetting Batrisyia, and those flowers.
I couldnt agree more, let everything take me by surprise. Let everything take its course. If things are meant to be it WILL be.
Who knows? Maybe in the future you guys might just end up together. Or friends or best buds in the world?
i got to stop comparing. Some people's personality is like this. & they just meant to move on very fast although they would be very upset now.
And Taylor swift and friends taught me to don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything. And you just might find who you're supposed to be
When you're fifteen, feeling like there's nothing to figure out , well count to ten, take it in, this is life before you know who you're gonna be, Fifteen.
When you're fifteen, and your first kiss makes your head spin round but in life you'll do things greater than dating the boy on the badminton team
When all you wanted was to be wanted. Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now. Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday. But I realized some bigger dreams of mine. Gave everything i had to a boy, who changed his mind .
Its impossible to not hope but for now, but im treating it like a sin to expect. Cause expectations lead to disappointments .
He's already fucked up by me. And there's some misunderstandings that havent been settled yet.
Stop with the What ifs cause a million what ifs wont bring him back. Its more of we were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it.
We had it all, we were just about to fall even more in love than we were before. So now i guess this is where have to stand. Did you regret ever standing by my side? Did you regret ever holding my hand? all the past its just a lesson we have learnt, i wont forget about us. Did you forget i was even alive? Did you forget we were feeling inside? Now im left to forget about us.
I have already not much time and i havent really started on a good revision. There's this guy who i guess his words mark me as despising me. So, stfu will you?
And to all the many girls and babes i've known this year, whose heart was shattered i hope you stay strong or those who are encountering problems . You girls are beautiful.
Somewhere we went wrong, our love is like a song but you wont sing along, you forgotten about us.
Cant wait for eoy to finish. Cant wait for the plans i made up with Batrisyia and for myself with the clique.
Back to studying.

2011-09-26T22:39:00.000+08:00

你要离开，我知道很简单。就算放开，但能不能别没收我的爱

2011-09-25T19:20:00.000+08:00

Left 1 week before EOY starts. I havent actually really prepared anything, and seeing "your" life is stable with catching up your studies made me feel motivated and happy for you actually :')
Bernard, Tobias, Jiamin, Jocelin came my house yst. Initially was suppose to be a study date but the boys are too freak about bikes, and they were at youtube seeing body builders and bikes.
Well as for girls... hrmm really no mood to study either distraction or some fuckup problems.
so my 10th oct will be so packed to study my am paper 2 and chem test. and 10th oct is the day im gna take my am paper 1 and POA. grrrr. so anyway, i will be busy that day :')

this is so random,haha ok i wish my hair is like smurfette .
my hair now is likeacui. need treatment aft exam !! but , $$. feel like rebonding but my hair doesnt suit. ZZ.

so, i really need help in every subject. I need people coach me on POA. i used to have this "file" with spongebob comic to coach but now i cant have it anymore. Gotta consult cher soon.

as for this hot, awesome, cute, etc wuchun here.. had entertained me last week with his new show with rainie yang. HAHA. i was suppose to watch it cause of rainie yang but instead he caught my attention more than her. LOL.
i need to be strong this week in order to focus on studying. oh and the 2 weeks on eoy as well!
shall blog when i got a time to squeeze in !
click on my nuffnang too if there is adv!

Would it make you feel better? To watch me, while I bleed?
Go on and try to tear me down. I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper,
& i will not allow what you are trying to do to change my mind.
It hurts, even if you are gonna do it again it still hurts but its alright. Thats why you're special.

oh, & hey, i trust you so much, but i really dont know why you are hiding.

what if you are in my shoes? :/
CIAO.

2011-09-23T22:02:00.000+08:00

I have a bad feeling for EOY cause its too late for me to catch up on every single shit
I dont like people joking on people being stupid according to academic. I know its a joke or you're supposed to be this way but.. i mean do you like me to say that in your face ? Maybe you dont mind but well i dont know . It just brings my mood down, piss me off & got a little depressed thou.
I screwed up science , maths etc. Esp my tests today. I gotta buck up although i procrastinate too much.
I have so many plans after eoy. Basically I can have no worries on having late night thoughts on how to wake up tomorrow. & being not able to move on etc. :B
& decorate my room !!
From my view, he's studying hard too. Well, he moved on etc thou. :')
Dad is away for bankok.. sooo.. i can sleep late, and hopefully jiayi and bernard etc can ton to study!!
Must focusss.

Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be

2011-09-17T16:25:00.000+08:00

你最近还好吗？
EOY is starting in 2 weeks.
With all the setbacks and everything , i know its affecting my life terribly. Even my CCA is affected. I might even be demoted for my position in CCA. Family lost my trust and gave up on my studies. I can actually not talk to my parents one single word when they/ i reached home or less than 5 sentences. Its funny how fast im used to it than used to the fact that "you" arent talking to me at all.
My studies is 0% knowledge esp POA, Amath, Chem. i cant believe i actually hand in a blank test paper to my cher. -_-
and people said i've changed become some sad person . Basically yea, i hate myself so much now but im still trying, so hard to be a better person. #icandoit
But on the bright side, im determined to catch up.
Im not the only one that's hurting, cause this is the price of beauty .
Last week went to town with babes and bernard, tobias and Joseph before heading fam event.

went cityhall after that to chill for awhile..

Life's really a mess.
It never crossed my mind. That there would be a time. For us to say goodbye. What a big surprise. I just wanna let yknow i never really wanna let go.
If you think i've given up on you, you're crazy. and if you think i don't love you, you're just wrong
I told you I'd leave, knowing I wanted to stay. You didn't try, you let me walk away.
I wont forget about us. But i will try to move on and be strong cause thats my only option left.
问自己习惯了吗..？有没有什么好方法让寂寞更听话, 你说你会记得我还记得吗?
im focusing on my studies so much now although its tough. Nevertheless im glad my sis and i are getting better.
Im just have to control myself 3 weeks aft eoy and everything.
After that i will let out every single shit.
Tumblr all my unsaid stuff!! :)

oh and was like camping at this "forget-me-not" house last week too. lol!
I hope the clique will be better after eoy :x its tearing us apart. But still the girls "flower4 with a tree" was being so cute always.

i agree much more on the last few sentences only. true?

Okay, Goodbye kiss! i shall start studying and stop nua-ing. :)
cant wait to decorate my room!!!

R.I.P 1009101111

2011-09-10T22:06:00.000+08:00

Its 10, again. It has been a year.

Its a fucking long post, nobody really bothers but its what i like to do. I write my feelings down on papers and everything cause it brings peace even if its a short term.

I guess he wont even ever bother to see this but its time for me to clear my heart.

Dear Love,

Thanks for being there for me, once.

You are gone, and there's no R.I.P (return if possible) for you. I accepted the fact.

and you were strong and I was not and now when all is done. There is nothing to say. You have gone and so effortlessly

It's strange to think the songs, the smiles, the presents, everything is gone

Even now just looking at you feels wrong

This is to the old you. Thank you ytterbium for really, everything that you once gave me.

I know i have changed too but well im going back who im supposed to be now, so yea.

actually maybe , its not us who changed, but time has changed.

I dont know what made you died or let me go so easily but its okay, i have never blamed you.

I know people change and these things happen

but I remember how it was back then

I'm still reaching , even though I know you're not there

I was playing back a thousand memories , thinkin bout everything we've been through

Maybe i've been going back too much lately, when time stood still and I had you

come back to me like you could if you just said you're sorry

I know that we can work it out somehow . But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

come back to me like you would before you said its not that easy

Before the fight before i locked you out.

Now im pacing down the hall, chasing down your street,

Flashback to the night when you said to me,

Nothings gonna change not for me and you. Not before I knew how much I had to lose

I just want it back the way it was before. And i just wanna see you back at my front door.

But, the present "you" must be hating me alot now huh. Cant wait for me to just get out of your life and everything. Ever since 22nd . but..

She can't see the way your eyes will light up when you smile and I just want to show you, she don't even know you

she's never gonna love you like I want to

and you just see right through me but if you only knew me

we could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable instead of just invisible

I never saw it coming, wouldn't have suspected it. I underestimated just who I was dealing with. She had to know the pain was beating on me like a drum

it hurts when they're are laughing

She underestimated just who she was stealing from
you can say im assuming and assuming you guy's love. ok sorry.

but i guess all you ever wanted was to be wanted and its her than you want now. its ok thn.
Im letting go. I hope you're happy. You guys are happy then.

I hope you are fine out there with your family. sorry to hear about your grandmother's death.

Hope you would cont. taking care of yourself.

And it hurts so much when you gave a call to her and you guys chat etc. Yknow. its fucking hard to breathe as if you are suffocating and grasping for air. But from here i know i gotta remember this pain and be stronger. and its a matter of time where i will see this happening.

I wonder, if you ever have the feeling when we were in love, the feeling was indescribable. Do you feel the same way? where you are really in heaven , your heart is really filled up.. where you are really first time found your true love. Does she makes you feel this way? & when i have butterflies in my stomach and my heart was blooming like a rose. Do you?

Did you forget the feeling we had inside?

But after all these, we were just a couple of kids, but we really loved each other, didnt we?

Its crazy huh, how much things could actually change within just 1 year. Its really mad.

Thanks for the box of small notes and presents. Its time to put it aside safely in my cupboard now along with the hidden notes where i was unable and not enough time to give you. I dont know if you ever throw it away.. but in any other ways i still felt what i did was worth it. Did you know i kept all of your pictures? i dont have the strength to part with them yet.

The picture where one of my babes taken in her iphone. i saw i couldnt help but stare. we were so close that day.. cant help, but we were just too cute to be true. But its the past.

And all I think about is how to make you think of me

you taught me how to love, but not how to stop.. but its time for me to learn myself nw.

I just cant believe you just walked out on me. After everything we’ve been though, after all the things I told you, you just gave up. nevertheless,

Thank you for the previous ecp trip where you lend me your jacket despite the bus being super super fucking cold and you was wearing only a tanktop then. i dont know how put it in words now but yeah.

Thank you for the late night calls till 5am and the super heartache feeling we both actually felt where i called you to sing song but you shy! and just sang with a monotone. Just that voice was enough. the first time we called and you saw a shooting star at 4.04. We're on the phone and we talk real slow cause our mama dont know.
The 2nd month beautiful surprise. How you protect me ever since p6. The awesome card. The cute fights we have.

Giving in and having alot of patience in me, & those times when we were being silly at your house and that vivid flashback where you surprise me and carried me , the times when we just look at each other eye for a few moments. Really really just look very closely into each other eyes. Yknw~

and the awesome $50 we found on the floor and immediate shopping at cotton on. lol

the first date we had at jurong point.

the time where you hold my hand and grab it to show paul they all. Locked up in your arms at sentosa and our friends were laughing, cause nothing like this ever happen to them.

oh and the link where you give me telling me you're gna marry me and made it more awesome than the guy who did it.
and the countdown for 2010 when im unable to go sylvester's house as its late, you ran all the way from senja just to meet me and fetch me home when Jiayi was joking "you run la" & everyone tell you , you arent really gna catch up with me. And you did. You ran. i remembered i was touched. and i gave you "prize" :)
Remember when i told you my feelings fade, i lied and im sorry but my love never die. I wanted you to know you are the one who was starting/showing us fading and we should work it out, together. But i guess i was wrong and i shouldnt really done it. sorry. its my mistake.

Its all so long ago but thanks for the memories although it hurts so much.

And when you used to say, "i cant sleep unless you talk to me" as if i must be the last person you talk to before you head to bed. :')

But things changed. I thought even the patch i was the last you chat but honestly iszit true? cause even before the break you guys were otp before you guys sleep.

And i know i wasnt the last one you think about . isnt it?
i was at the top and now its like im in the basement, number 1 spot now you find me a replacement.
i wonder what will we be if we are in the same school. have you ever thought about it?
cause i used to daydream about it almost everyday. Will we have the same combination of subj? recess together? go school and home together? sit beside each other? listening to teacher's lessons and laugh at our joke and gossip and act cute? :/ will things still end up this way by then?

Sorry if i havent tell you anything in the past or even telling you anything to the new you but well its because you havent really tell me anything too. We may (last time) did but it end up in a mess instead or not fully work out. Well, to think of it, you really didnt tell me anything.

What you dont know was, i wanted to tell you aft my CA on Fri and if cmi so i wanted it on Sat still cmi, and wanted on Sun but i cant even get to see you. It was after sat night, i started losing myself. & I didnt really got a chance instead i got cold replies. Thats when i know you werent the same that you said you will be. Because remember i told you during the sentosa trip? i dont want you to change . i want you to remain like last time. Cause you was trying more than me in the 1st r/s , so I wanna make the changes. I will try and you too. together. but you didnt..
its like i sang the song but you wont sing along anymore.
you said i should be mature, i tried to be. Because of what you said, i fear, that one day you dislike how i was. But i want you to love me the way i am, like how you used to. from here, i will be decisive. i will also , be mature too. I did tell you didnt i? when you came my house that sat before i left for grandma house, i told you stuff and you said, you realised i really grown mature?
i was proud i told you stuff yknow , that day i really told you how i felt. And i said this new r/s was about trust and trusting you wont betray my trust. It used to be obsession, wanting to see each other everyday etc. The new r/s is both are trying. I trusted you thats why i tweeted and everything but you constantly make me hard to believe.. and you keep saying im assuming and i trust my friends decision to break up with you than listening to you etc. I didnt, even after the break i did wait and see if you would fight. You didnt. You went with her aft that.
i get it, Maturity over immaturity. i will remember that. :)

Its when all my hidden fullscaps that i wrote so long like a dairy where i wanted to give you and explain shall now remain in the box. But you claimed that i have never changed and dont tell you my feelings.. i never wanna solve it via the net cause i know its not gna work . i really like it when it was us, face to face. to me, its better.. :/

Because your eyes are always honest. They will always be telling the truth even if you said you're fine.

remember i said you were special? because you are the only one when i just have to see you and EVERY insecurities is gone. Every negative thoughts is GONE.

I can be tough, I can be strong But with you, it's not like that at all

There's a girl that gives a shit. Behind this wall, you just walk through it

And I remember all those crazy things you said

You left them running though my head. You're always there, you're everywhere

But right now I wish you were here

But truly, you said i didnt tell you but reading from my tumblr, did you get what i was feeling. Dont you know? a tumblr = a girl's heart. Didnt you realise? did you? or even, did you even actually read it like you used to. :/

A person's tumblr tells a lot about them. It shows what kind of images they see in their head, who they love, who they hate, even what they think about other people.

But most of all- has all the words they never said to people, all the words they couldnt have said but should have said.

It's not that we aren't meant to be together, I think that we're just not ready for forever.

Given one chance, and it was a moment of weakness.

you should've said no, baby and you might still have me.

You should have thought twice before you let it all go.

Its alright, you're gone. Thanks for the another 2 days memories back in sentosa where you came back to visit me again. where you bought mac breakfast for me. :)
And you said my eyes could glow. you finally notice huh! :) when all my friends notice it whenever i talked about you.

The new you had forgotten me, deleted me and everything, you dont even wanna be friends. Well its fine cause its wasnt me who gave up.
But, Am i that easy to forget? :/
Seeing people change isn't what hurts. What hurts is remembering who they used to be.
Please dont return to the old you. Cont how you are now since you're happy. Because she is loving how you are now.
bt fyi, please dont lie till so ridiculous? Dearest, if you are gonna lie please know that we already knew the ans, but dont cont lieing. You may put excuses but dont lie with pushing blames to people. yknow? A gentleman lie only because he wanna give surprises to a girl.
I know you work alone. Cont then since you are so fine with it, but at last, dont say i dont tell you anything if you arent gna tell me everything too. dont push your blame to me..

i wish i had missed the first time that we had kissed, cause you broke all your promises

i remember us together, with a promise of forever

when that night i wore your domo shirt and i cried under your arms and we promised each other

I realized that I was holding onto something that didn't exist anymore. That the person I missed didn't exist anymore. People change.

i might have fault somewhere esp in the first r/s but i learnt and for now idk what fault i made but i know in a r/s there's forever a 2 party fault.. so yea.

we ignore each other & try to pretend the other person doesn't exist, but deep down we know it wasn't supposed to end like this

It's always hard to lose somebody. It leaves a hole in your heart that never grows back.
When you lose someone, it stays with you. Always reminding you of how easy it is to get hurt.

I hope you know that, Giving up is always an option, but it’s never my choice

if i can, i will still be chasing you but i know, three is a crowd. i dont wanna be spoiler. so, i hope you are happy.
At some point you have to realize. Some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.

Tell them I was happy. And my heart is broken. All my scars are open. What i hoped would be was impossible although I loved you from the very first day, but i had to watch superman fly away

i miss you, but i can tell you dont want to talk to me anymore and you cant even imagine how pathetic it makes me feel because i dont even know if you misses me back. How pathetic i can be to think that he is thinking of me too.

Its time, i should let go. but i myself know, its impossible to forget. Thanks for being each other's first love.
its hard to wait around for something you know might never happen but its harder to give up when you know its everything you want.

爱的心，痛的心，等待的心, 走了就该放手, i know i might come off as irritating, cant let you go and still here, all im here is about you when im only 15. but, im not you guys. He was the only exception. and you guys kept telling me its not worth it.. but to me somehow. The song "fifteen" by taylor swift describes it all.

Its like when you sort your life out, you'll realise that sometimes someone is worth it. They put such a spell on you that you'll wait how ever long it takes for them to love you like you love them. This is the problem with getting too attached to someone, when they leave you just feel, lost. Im just, lovestruck.

but I will be strong.

说你爱我变成种一问候，不如趁早放手，把爱坠落让满地鲜红

你说你爱我，变成一种折磨，不用陪我走到最后，我承担不起你的承诺

我知到我还是会哭，但要记得哭完后，记得这个痛，了解了它，下一次哭得比较安心，不然就不要再犯这个错误，不要再遇见这个痛

And for so long, I’ve been here and there with this, I’d have times that I’d still want to be friends with him, and times where I know I can move on. Up until yesterday, I’ve still been confused, but suddenly, I just didn’t need him anymore and I praise God. I mean, for so long I’ve been crying over him, ranting over him, and my friends would tell me that one day, everything will be okay, and God will take the pain away. I would’ve tried to reason with him and tell him how I feel, but I don’t have any this time.

So, although we were once so important to each other, and we’re not anymore, it’s okay. I’ve forgiven everything you’ve done to me, and it really doesn’t matter anymore if you do or not. I thank you for once being there for me all the time, and thank you for loving me. I won’t forget you, but, for now and until we’re ever ready to speak to each other again,

Goodbye.

Enlighten and inspired by: hellobabycakes@tumblr

here i am, telling all my feelings down, although there might be some which i really havent say, but yea. To you, you might say its all to late. but to me, no its never too late. Cause what i typed here, was worth it.

i can never forget someone who gave me so much to remember

& if you ever come back, remember to call yeah. i hope we could be friends if this clique still exist.
i'll be on the ground until you come back down.

some songs can really relate to your feelings. Like fifteen, haunted, if this was a movie, invisible, should've said no, sparks fly, superman, story of us all from taylor swift, .说你爱我 -s.h.e, that should be me

amazing huh.

Lastly, I wanna thank my babes, my wifes who put up with my drama. The 3Js and other babes in my sch. Jocelin Poh, Lim Jia Min, Lim Jia Yi, because of you all , i feel bless.

从昨天，到今天，还有明天，感谢老天让你们陪在我身边

朋友，姐妹，都已不够来形容，我们的默契骄傲，扶持与包容

老婆，我们一起打勾勾，请记得约定的旅程到永久

i hope you guys wont leave my life, cause for all i know i had already put high expectations in you 3. :) its too late to lower the expectations now.

and thank you to anons in formspring :) your questions/notes meant alot.

i didn't know who i was supposed to be

2011-09-09T21:31:00.000+08:00

Avril's new music video. Some songs just relate so much to your feelings isnt it.

你最近还好吗?
i hope you are fine. i can never ever show it because who am i to care.
Guess she's the one you're looking for, where she tells you every single thing. Where she knows how to share it like how you wanted.
Cause she's with him, I'm still hurting. Try to pretend but it's not working. I just wanna be where they are
Hope you are safe and sound.
Tomorrow is the tenth. You wont be here. Guess its fate.
Today my bestfriend sent me a message " i saw your sweetheart :D "
First thing in my mind was you but i realised im wrong. Cause its never gna be and you're not in sg.
i should really stop thinking about you and missing you with a massive heartache cause you werent gna be missing.
im just being a joke.

you shouldn't be mad at me, i mean you broke my heart.

2011-09-07T21:58:00.000+08:00

its coming to haunt me. im prepared.

Never gonna love you like I want to

2011-09-04T15:44:00.000+08:00

I wish I could be like u, so heartless & u hardly care about anything. When it kills me, u feel nothing. If only I could feel that way.
Sometimes it's better to just keep my mouth shut & not tell u how it hurts because I know that you won't even bother.

I want to cry but I can't because I want to be strong.
cause if this was a movie, you'd be here by now.
he can't see the way your eyes will light up when you smile
You just see right through me but if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable instead of just invisible.
-hey, you are alot like him. really/ for one sec i can actually thought you was him. But then again 可惜你不是他.
Being in a relationship is a full-time job, don't apply if you're not ready

Im trying to be a better person. I will figure out how i used to be last time. And then everything will be okay. Right..?

2011-09-02T23:44:00.001+08:00

Speak 5 Lines to YOURSELF every morning:
1. I am the best.
2. I can do it.
3. God is always with me.
4. I am a winner.
5. Today is my day.

you still remember this? k not as crazy as this. but smth like this.
it was 2am+-3 by then.

2011-09-01T22:20:00.001+08:00

You know what your problem is?
You get attached, fast. And once you're attached to someone, you do everything you can to please them and make them happy. It's never been about what you want, it's always everyone's needs before your own. You give out too many chances to people, who quite frankly, do not deserve them. They take advantage of you, and you become a pushover. But you're okay with that, because they're in your life and that's all you ever really wanted. And even if they screw you over, you'll still be there for them. Because that's you, that's who you are. Once you get attached to someone, they capture your heart and they always have a place there. And that is why it's so hard for you to let that person go.

Its September, i will try to make this month as lovely as possible.

Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars.

2011-08-31T21:19:00.000+08:00

I feel blessed . Ignorance is bliss. I love my bbygurls. I love my brothers.
I love my parents but i dont like them (make sense?-.-)
HEHE
going back pri sch tomorrow. there are some memories which i really fucking wish to forget but it was there where i met my lovely girls . Thats the only memory i will hold.
Its the last day of August . It has been a torturous month and i have a bad feeling for Sep. But i know, idgaf anymore. I wanna live. I will live happier. I will live, for myself. For the sake of reality.

But when you found love I guess it's really beautiful or at least that's what i read in magazines and i don't know as much as I say I do but I know there's a reason why everybody wants it so much. Its the closest thing we have to magic.
Cherish the present.

2011-08-25T23:19:00.001+08:00

just the date is enough to hurt.

She is my sunshine.

2011-08-25T23:16:00.001+08:00

This post is dedicated to my Dearest Jocelin Poh WL.
Firstly, A Great Happy Birthday To You Alright!!! 15 yeah ! :) Older alr, stay stronger okay!
Its great we are still in contact ever since P6 :')
You are like my sunshine/my shawty/wifey/bestfriend/girlfriend etc, which would always forever be there for me. & for this i can really say we are gna be awesome strong girls and with this close contact forever okoy ! :) Ok this is getting gayshit.
So yah thanks for being there for me in my darkest periods.

I hope we will continue like this yo! and have more outings and our endless conversations.
our mad camwhores!!! and do more stupid videos being goofy and silly. Cause we are just being the way we are. :)

Shall celebrate your birthday tomorrow. All my awesome writings would be in the card ok :)
Let's continue and try be happygirls_96 ! ^^
Stay forever cute and young! hehe
---

i dont know what you are now. where are you..
I love how you used to make me feel, like anything's possible, or like life is worth it.
Did you ever do this, you think back on all the times you've had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?
its just im fucking insecure and what you're did was making me worse. i just dont know. Everyday is a fucking marathon.
if i could i would still give you chances even if the whole world is against me. cause i still believe in you. the day where you said you dont play or toy.. but still all these bullshit, i have only myself to blame.
all those questioning you are trying to do, its because you loved me or you just wanna know who is talking about you to me... sighhhhh
You see the difference now, of when you left and i?
i thought you loved me. were u?

2011-08-22T23:16:00.000+08:00

Shooting me straight in the heart with your knives and swords and weapons that you use against me. Think its cool? fuck no.
I fucking tried. dont come compare my "trying" with your last months. Honestly, if you wanna compare, i dont think you tried and i came off as replying you in this manner and behaving like that behind your back.
Most importantly, you shouldnt even try to make me feel how you felt previously. lol if this is it, you're just taking your fucking revenge.
To you, im a hoe. -_- geeze, i was a dreamer but you let me down. Remember what you told me?
"why cant you give me a chance"
what a joke.
Sorry i gave but just 1 sec you abuse it after you got me. As much as i missed you, you werent.
Cause just like you said last time "YOUR ACTIONS DIDNT CONVINCE ME"
NOT that I ASSUME, but the evidence in front of me was so obvious.
All this time I was wasting, hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down
and it's taking me this long baby but I figured you out
and you're thinking we'll be fine again
but not this time around
and you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know
You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade.
come on, im not your playing soulmate -.-
I loved the old you. You fucking change. Because of that humans are scary -.-

2011-08-17T17:35:00.001+08:00

so many things in my mind as if its gna blow up and break it all down.

Awesome, thats us.

2011-08-13T14:22:00.000+08:00

oh hi, i've come to update this really dead blog of mine. i have not been posting a proper post like a very long time already. :) Ok so now i have something to blog about ok!!!

Sentosa on 8th and 9th was a blast.
Ndp was not bad either, with my morning eating mac from some awesome asshole.
Back on track, almost the whole clique turned up (Y) This clique made me grow alot. Ok yea i did do childish stuff and act cute along the way but still they are the best and given advices or who had been walking with me along my life. ♥♥♥
--

Ok so we checked into one of the hotel. It was suppose to be a family event for bernard but apparently his fam very open, invited us together for his mum's celebrations. They were allowed to bring friends along (Y)
ok , so some of us went to giant at vivo to buy some food to last us for the day.

All of us started finding instant noodles and fooling around heheh. so here's what we found..

Racist much!? Ok lol but for the last pic is just happy weicheng with his vegetarian sign :)

whats really unique about weicheng is that, whenever he smile you can never fail to smile too. Because his face always has this super happy looking. machiam happiest kid on earth.
so if he joke and its really funny and when he laugh , you're gna laugh which focus more on his happy cute kiddo face than his joke. (Y)

our feast.

one of the smaller room which we went but then we went to another bigger room for 1 night.

ok this is half of the big room . Boys playing xbox or smth.
Ohhhh~ we're living a good life (Y)

there's the boys playing in the bathtub discovering stuff lol.

so ya the bathtub there the "window" can be open. cool right . imagine you bathe and someone open . k wtf lol.

ok super bad quality but i swear its a major big difference. the toilet can compare to the first room. Chio shit, like cool only.

then we love to camwhore. weicheng joined in some of the pics. his face like cute only. lol

so we blast top of the world and some songs. like fun only hehe until the 9pm show starts and syl off it cause his fave show la hor! bang ge!

Boy's all time's favorite. Bernard and Tobias was smart enough not to join lol.

he abit pathetic.. lack of bed.. ok lol

CUI. can you believe them texas-ing straight 8h+ ?! except bernard and Tobias. They were smart to play a little only. lol!

look how happy these gaybros are. LOL. happygayboys_96 ^ ^
esp how chio bernard was in the second pic.
Jiayi was joking " EH BERNARD, CHIOBU" bernard jitao let go joseph's hand and push him away and said "IM SINGLE~" in that asshole's accent. hahah! cute ah.

The sun too bright, i cant see the cam! HAHA. K , so this is syl the texas addict HAHA.
But he's still a nice bro afterall. :) Sometimes he laugh like a cute only. LOL
whats joke was that, on the 9th, the NDP show was too boring, everybirdie fell asleep. So, we off the lights and everything . Asshole and I could even hear them snore! cute ah!
Suddenly Syl rang the bell and when we ans he jitao on the lights and tv and we're like "wtf you doing, everybody sleeps so soundly already." He give us that innocent cute ans "What, 9pm show start already, let them wake up, its their favorite show too."
Ok joke please, LOL his ans so innocent some more and yea it woke everybody up.
Ok if you had been there, the situation was a total joke.

so we went to the beach on the 9th. bloody hot whether. I wanted to go to the sea but 2 babes doesnt want .. i also no feel alr -.- lol. ok anyway went back to hotel after that.

so left on the 9th as i dont really have any excuse to stay another night.
Mainly my sentosa trip was in the hotel but it was fun being crazy esp the first night. Like how girls gl bernard or some "raping" him.
More pics uploaded in fb and one pathetic siao vid. lol. the raping is in bernard's phone. HAHA. shall upload when i got the chance to upload it! hehehe
This clique is too cute and gl . They may change to.. erm yknow texas and not as united as we used to but the clique actually gone through alot. like some arguments etc but to me, we're lucky to meet each other and was exchanted to meet them. OK IM SO SWEET HERE HAHA, i dont know bout the guys etc but guess they felt it too !
Hao,Anticipating Dec holidays already!
OK FOCUS ON MY STUDIES FIRST ! HAHA

shall blog more when i have the time. ciao!

this special date.

2011-08-10T22:59:00.000+08:00

2011-08-06T23:17:00.001+08:00

Boy you get me high.

2011-07-31T19:04:00.000+08:00

Was happying 2am till 4am plus, eating mac and sing till our hearts content, and throwing out our problems yet its not solved yet, all we were saying was "怎么办怎么办"
Videoing ourselves and camwhoring.
Sigh CA coming, but i can't even focus in class. Im so lack behind. I need help in POA.. ok i mean everything ah. But i cant really settle down.
But everything will be fine, right?

米修米修。你在哪里阿？
世界真的不一样了。
You are doing so fine, without me.

Faith.

2011-07-27T21:52:00.000+08:00

My mistake? i got too attached.

But we held our pride like we should have held us

2011-07-26T15:16:00.000+08:00

Dear Boy, Happy Birthday. Be happy.
i'd tell you i miss you, but i dont know how, i've never heard silence quite this loud.

i used to think one day we'd tell the story of us , how we met and the sparks flew instantly
people would say, "they're the lucky ones"
I used to know my place was a spot next to you, now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
cause lately I don't even know what page you're on
a simple complication, miscommunications lead to fall out
so many things that I wish you knew, so many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone , in a crowded room
And we're not speaking, And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you, like it's killing me.
I don't know what to say, since a twist of fate, when it all broke down
And the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now

How'd we end up this way?
you're doing your best to avoid me
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But we held our pride like we should have held us
we're scared to see the ending, why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud

Its like looking like a contest of who can act like they care less
but I liked it better when you were on my side
The battle's in your hands now but I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love than fight, so many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon

2011-07-19T20:29:00.000+08:00

Until today, all along, its like it has always been both of us faults.
its not you only, not only me. Its Both. Every single fight, every fucking thing, its both.
I thought it was me, but no. it totally wasn't.
It was a mistake i should have known. Right from the very start.

The world is mad.
There's a us in trust but i dont see people doing it, instead abusing it.
Life is suppose to be yours, instead some people would be able to control you. Why is that fucking happening.
The society is ugly.
what's even legend is what i actually heard. it really portrays what you actually are. i feel so dumb. For this its my fault. I can't believe you got the cheek to say that to them and me which was totally different stories. I felt so disgusted when i heard it. I felt so so so stupid. I really thought what i actually did wrong. In the end i realised no i didnt do wrong. It was us. I fucking wanna hate you yet i love you and you betrayed me.

who do you think you are, messing around someone's heart.

2011-07-13T16:53:00.001+08:00

Trust No one, Fear No Bitches, Fuck Reality and the Idea of Society

Please don't be in love with someone else, please don't have somebody waiting on you

2011-07-10T22:13:00.000+08:00

happy 10th month, to the old you.

i miss you so bad its drivin me mad. i miss hugs which make me feel so secure.

2011-07-09T15:20:00.001+08:00

Remember when i posted this on twitter, and you watched it too..
you even analyse what stage we were on back then.
Now i guess we reached like the end of the stage.. so the vid was totally true.
Maybe we didnt start off by strangers but of all the stages , like we talked on the phone till 5-6am? we were like some happiest cutest couple ever.
Then we reach to stage 4 , being comfortable where, we dont really know where to go all we know is wanna see each other. we keep pushing to each other with the ideas of where to go and when we cannot think of it its like pekchek cause all we were thinking was "why cant you just decide"
time: 5.30-5.54. and esp the part 5.49-5.53, (we took each other for granted).
6.26-6.38 - (whether its taking each other for granted, or people changing it overtime, bottom line is , someone stops trying, we weren't as strong as before. This could happen over a few months when we hit stage 5 , thoughts.)
7.49 - 8.15 (we tried various time to make changes , to fix things, but like so many couples out there, it wasnt enough)
8.16-8.27 - we then talk on the phone lesser. we ended our call maybe only 1-2h and we never even talk much. its all silence.. where we ended our chat 2am-3am..
Then stage 6 downhill. we dont even know what we argue about. what did we even argue about.
Then stage 7 on breaking up but you were the one who fell for another while the downhill began.
11.28-11.32
and then all that would ever be left, is a box. where the stranger was once the most important person in my life.
13.45-14.30 - when i asked you for break you didnt want to and told me not to fucking leave you.
14.42-15.30 - which i asked you what do you think would happen if we break up. we always ask each other alot of times and like will we contact each other again? will you hate me? will we stay in touch?
and we also had answers like you would chase me back and you said im the one who will leave not you & if i found a better guy you would fight for me and prove to me. But what happens is the opposite now. am i suppose to fight for you? i know you wouldnt want that but who are you to tell me now what to do.
This video is totally gpoy and story of my life. Maybe in some roles i was the guy and you were the girl but is doesnt really matter actually.
Will we ever end up together.? will i ever love someone else again? i shouldnt really worry all these now cause what my main point now is my studies.
I guess i cant really move on. its actually impossible but all i gotta do is live how im suppose to be. i may think of you sometimes but i have to control and take studies etc priorities first.
everything will be okay.

i didnt give up. it was you.

2011-07-08T22:53:00.000+08:00

I am so scared, frightened out of my wits that I will always love you, despite all the hurt you've caused me... and I honestly don't want that. Who would want that in the first place? "Loving someone who doesn't love you." I don't want to be the kind of girl hung up and so torn over someone like you because frankly, you don't deserve it. I don't deserve feeling like this and you don't get to have this much control over me. You don't deserve me. - tumblr.

i will get through this. this song keeps chanting in my head "nice guys finish last, thats why you treat me like trash"
i know you didnt, but thats how i have to stop thinking of you. im self contradicting myself like
some mf bitch when you actually treated me the best thing i ever had in my life.
now, i believe in everything. i believe in every wishes. my heart keeps calling me to hold on but my mind says give up & let go.
i dont know. its confusing aye. but no, i will try to be as happy as i can..
the next 2 days will be a torture but i just really hope to get through it.
i had enough but i know, i just know if i continue like this my future will be ruined because of you.
yet, nobody is able to help me cause in the end its how i cope. its whether i can do it or not.
I shouldnt rely on friends to make me happy, happiness depends upon ourselves.
i love you but i will always remember, i didnt give up it was you who gave up on me, and i didnt deserve some chance when i gave you so many or maybe i just didnt cherish it when you gave in to me , or maybe you didnt know since i didnt say it but its pointless now.., only if fate is with us we will be together .
its like i known you for 4-5 years i cant possibly forget you. maybe its actually impossible but all these , i have to be happygirl_96.
im just glad you were once in my life and im your first, just its a pity i wasnt your last. but i will get through it, somehow one way or another.

2011-07-06T19:08:00.001+08:00

Everyday i have to struggle with my heart, battle with my tears.
I would try my best to call friends to distract me and esp english lesson cause thats when i really get my mind off you.
i would still think of you after every few mins, but not for long.
I would hide my fears and sadness because i dont want you to get worried if any of my and your bros tell you how im doing.
your worrying would make me feel guilty.
Until then, when night fell and brain is very active i will lose myself, but because im exhausted, i sleep with tears which flow a little while or maybe not.
I dont know how long this would take but i hope i would stay stronger, maybe time will heal or maybe even get used to it.
Until then thats how life im gonna live with the same process, same routine.

"She thinks about you non-stop, and you're all she talks about. When she talks to you, she always has that bright smile, and truly looks happy. With one hug you make her melt and always leave her with butterflies and at the same time, when she's upset you're usually the reason. But she refuses to see any flaws in you. And no matter how many people try to tell her different, she believes you're perfect for her and worth every second of the wait, and she's too scared to tell you any of this because she doesn't wanna mess anything up. And she doesn't wanna end up hurt, once more" - tumblr.

People might think im silly and stupid to cry and emo over just another boy but he isnt't. Things are hard to understand unless you experience it. Maybe people think this love is just another love but it really isnt. I dont know how to say it but thats how i actually feel.

Best epic eng lessons ever

2011-06-29T21:11:00.000+08:00

Hi, my class got rid of miss ng already. FUCKYEAH.
I got miss michelle lee yo. She's 100x better than miss ng and the fact that they used to be in the same school? Just super big generation gap. LOL.
Lets first start with our ss lesson.
we argued about our ss rep and she chose smth which is we felt unfair but just joking then miss lee said : "well i know you dont like the new reps but just suck it in.
conor etc : I DONT DO YOUR HW ! SUCK IT IN!
roar of laughter* and the suck it in trend starts .
Next eng lesson.
Well she say she wanna "get to know us" when she already teached us half a year for ss!? LOL
Bernard: you known me for 1and a half /2 alr how much more you wanna know me huh..? pedophile talk. LOL.
she got to play with us the "What If" game.
so well she asked bernard, what if Haniff is a car.
he replied : well , he cant possibly be a limo(?) cause he cant be black and yellow.. (ok this is fucking racist but its just a joke we still love him as a brother ok!)
cher give the look and bernard then serious haha.
then she asked rasyid what if chinlee was a bag, what would it be.
Bernard and etc : a DOUCHE bag
I got the what if imma superstar .. lol and the guanyin niangniang wanted to ans taylor swift etc but they gl by saying that would be an insult to taylor swift man!
so i got justin bieber and cher give me the "ew justin bieber" look. but wtv LOL.
I think this girl wanted the superstar question but got a fruit instead which i forgot what happen. lol ok sorry girl but you have to suck it in.
Many more jokes and she's really friendly.
Family matters up now. fml so many stuff happening but life goes on. :)

I guess i move on cause i dont wanna make some noob dulan or anything. HAHA but then i glad i had a fun day and i was being distracted. Lastly, iloveyouso. but well after listening the advices i have other thoughts :)

2011-06-26T22:43:00.000+08:00

I tried.. I really tried. and I dont have any choice but to keep trying.
& the same old routine starts again cause i still pin my hopes up there. I still hold on. Until one day i honestly dont know when, maybe years till i have the courage to let go.
Deleting memories and feelings is impossible yknow.
it takes time. and all i can say is i dont want, but i will try.

Goodbye love.

2011-06-26T10:40:00.000+08:00

Everything's gonna change.
Between me and him changed and from now onwards, he's my very bestest friend. People usually says that after a couple break, even friends would be hard to be but well honestly, how can you let go a person who gave you so much to remember?
I know its hard but I have to move on. Life goes on.
After sneaking out of house like 4am , in my life, i know who was really there for me. Even the ones i hated or dislike . Ok, J and Wc . LOL
so bernard and jos came to talk to me. Everybody was worried. Even wc talked him round.
So, after the talk, yea i didnt cherish him when he was in front of me and now he's gone i came to learn my mistake & everything was too late. Our relationship was wrong.
Maybe god forbid fate should step in and force us into a goodbye.

"Love in this society has been portrayed wrong in so many different ways, and we still expect to see any relationship lasting? To be honest, it’s hard to find the right one these days. Everyone is so consumed in playing it safe- joking around with relationships because they don’t need to mean anything, but we’re wrong. Relationships build our hearts. Without relationships, we can never learn how to become stronger, when to become weak, and who to show our true selves to.
In the starting, it was all about ‘want’. I wanted him, all the time, every day. I needed him next to me, for everything. I couldn’t live without him, I couldn’t even stand a day without talking to him. It was about talking about him all the time, telling everyone what we have, the sweet things he says. This sense of obsession, was normal, but as I grew, I learnt, I wasn’t loving him in the right way at all. I have found love to be amazing- in all it’s worst and good cases. I have found that love is something so treasurable that it’s something that’s so fragile and needs to be taken care of in the right way. Through so many friendships, I have found that love is in fact the only thing that can change things. People underestimate the power of love, when in fact, it’s one of the greatest things that remain. I have learnt to love people so much even if they’re wrong. "

inspired by hellobabycakes.tumblr.com

Moving on is very very hard for me now. The tears i shed is still there the hurt but I need to stay strong. Especially for the sake that everyone is there for me and worried.
The fact that everyone has flaws so i should really accept everyone since i am not perfect either. They were the ones who were really there for me. And formspring asked me who was beautiful, the ans is you guys are.
Tickleyourchins and palang boys, Batrisyia and those who stand by me talked me through.
Be it via facebook, twitter or anything.
Thanks guys.
i dont think im able to del all the past but lol , too much and i think it hurts too . so,
Truly, i still love him but letting go is part of love. Because he said if we are fated we will still come back together. I believe in it.
i shall focus more on studies and maths. and that, getting once this hurt is enough havign another r/s is just a fear now. But i'll be fine.
Goodbye my love. Cant hide, i have to go and leave you alone. But always know, always know that i love you so. Goodbye for now. Goodbye , sunshine. Takecare of yourself. ♥

Everything you do pisses me off, even you breathing

2011-06-24T22:30:00.000+08:00

I need to freshen up.

2011-06-19T23:18:00.001+08:00

Celebrated Sylvester's birthday on 17th. It was a great day , somehow .
Bought him a swensens cake yo! His frame card was awesome since we shopped around daiso diy on how to make his card. So just made find a frame and wrote all our wishes.
While waiting for him like 4h? cause he's at JB , we played frisbee around the void-deck and watched the girls watch barbie princess and the pauper at first.
It was fun okay!!! Machiam primary school, playing catching all those.
Alright Father's day today. Bought pizza , didnt celebrate much instead went to bernard's house for some bbq event from his fam but he called us go too, so munch a little.
Cant wait for some cutie of Jiamin, the twins ray & paul to be back , and i must really party hard on the very last day of the holiday. Havent start a shit on homework and its the last week of holiday. ZZ. i cant imagine sec 4.
Okay anyway went to some clementi bookshop like yesterday. The last time i been there is 5/6 years ago and its still there. Usual, tried to find stitch and found some awesome stickers, wanted them all but cash tight. -.-
Oh and Jocelin bought for me my stitch polaroid films. i cant wait to use it! Love her so much! heh
k i have nothing to talk about now. bai.

ps/ i cant stand annoying brats and super kp people . i wonder how they become when they have a gf or would they even have one. Just look how you treat your bloody friends/bro -_-

My faith in you is fading.

2011-06-14T22:29:00.001+08:00

Just came back from sentosa. It was a fun day. I had fun playing sand thou , with the warm sea. hehehe but everything just still.. wasnt right thou. LOL.
Im dead tired, and its time for projects soon.
Next up, i would plan about my last day of June holiday on how to spend it. LOL.
this time seriously call all tickleyourchin and palang boys to come in. See how it goes.
Alright, shall blog about sentosa when i have the time and kaijing to upload the pictures.
I didnt take alot of pictures thou. I was busy.. thinking and exploring and relaxing. hehehe Thats life sometimes yknow :)
-
I changed..didnt i? Sister told me that when we got into a heated argument 2 days ago. k i gotta stay positive.

you know i really intend to give up but i just couldnt let go. Neither do i want. im trying, but is it i didnt try hard enough or you just cant see it? im sensitive these days , i dont know why, by the way you changed too.

2011-06-06T13:44:00.000+08:00

here's a rough conversation i could remembered.
Him : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnVAE91E7kM
Him : Just watch, and that guy sucks.
After me watching,
me: why!? he's sweet lor. siao (etc)
Him : cause i can do it better.

that actually made my day.

This is looking like a contest, of who can act like they care less

2011-05-30T19:44:00.000+08:00

Hi, i got my stitch frame now^ ^ like happy only :) . Its just a matter of time when it would be hung up at the wall, the only thing is that my dad doesnt allow me to hang the place where i wanted it. Infuriating right. -.-
June holidays are here but this is a fucking disaster holiday.
So many projects awaiting, almost all the subjects has a project , together making friends with a pile of worksheets.
Whats worse is my results were so bad that my parents are so strict now that my life just aint getting any better.
I got to work 2.5 harder to get an average result -.- because with this mye i could only go to ITE.

Have you ever laid on your bed at night, and just cried? Cried because you’re ugly. Because you’re not good enough. You counted all your flaws from head to toe, to punish and feel worse about yourself. Cried because the comments people blurt out, actually hurt your feelings. Cried because your family is dysfunctional. You don’t want to be a burden, so you bottled it all up. Around people, you’re the happiest ray of sun shine. But nobody knows, that at night when you’re alone, you break down and just cry.
--
Most people who don’t have anxiety or depression don’t get it. They don’t understand what you mean when you say you cry for no reason. They think your just emotional. They don’t know how it feels to have your heart pumping out of your chest and to be short of breathe and can’t control it, or to feel like the whole world is tumbling down on top of you and you can’t fix it. They don’t get that Anxiety & Depression are both illnesses, not a birth defect. It’s not your personality either, it’s just taken over it. They think we like the attention, but they have no idea how badly we want to feel happy. To have a real smile, not a fake one. To not have to go through the day feeling worthless. To not cry for a week straight. To just be happy, like the average teenager should.
(via tumblr)
remember what i said i dont really care about people's comments. its difficult sometimes.
But someone once said, we only have one life. One life is all we have, so i gotta stop complaining cause there's someone worse out there.. -twelvestepsbehind.bs.com

2011-05-29T12:58:00.000+08:00

He's Back :)